The short answer – because I’ve changed.
The longer version….
I started painting at age 45. I was living in a small town in Western Kansas and married with my 2.54 children living on a golf course, and I didn’t want for a thing.
I started painting on a whim, when a friend of mine who was an artist, suggested that I do something less physical (at the time I was remodeling houses – doing most of the work on my own – and an old plaster ceiling had come tumbling down on my head), and yet, creative.
I started painting what I loved most in my life, which was spending time on my grandparents farm and playing with the critters.
It was fun. I sold….a lot.
And then, I separated from my ex and moved to Taos….dated a shaman for three years….My life changed. I participated in ceremonies that I was totally unaware of until my move to the Southwest. I became a seeker of knowledge and unseen things.
My art started reflecting that.
I made a conscious decision. My critters no longer held any fascination for me. To me, they were just variations on the same theme. I wanted more. I wanted my art to come from my soul.
Don’t get me wrong….I’m envious of those who are very successful painting the same thing, but it just wasn’t for me. I knew that I would be giving up a very potentially successful career. But, it didn’t feel like I would be being true to who I was becoming.
I started painting really crappy abstracts, and abstracted figures – which were mostly angels.
I studied a lot of abstract artists that I admired and realized that I LOVED the fact that I could FEEL their art. They painted with wild abandon. I wanted to be able to do that.
But first, I needed to learn how to relinquish control. To me, art reflects the inner world of the artist. I had ALWAYS been about control. I controlled about everything that I possibly could.
Big significant AHA for me.
This year has been more about allowing for me. Control wasn’t working in my life anymore, and I decided to just surrender.
I’ve been chewed up and spit out during this time. As a self-proclaimed control freak, switching to allowing brought up so many wounds that I had been hiding pretty deeply with my control issues.
A plethora of my demons have finally been released. Some have been tiny, some have been huge, but, I can say that I have successfully faced every one of them who have come into my awareness.
And my art is reflecting that. I’m losing time. Space. Reality. I’m painting from “that” place. That unknown place where the muses reside. The unconscious. However you want to refer to it.
There have been so many days that I have worried about how I am going to eat (ramen is on the menu frequently), and how I am going to travel (I spend a lot of time in people’s driveways with Agnes), but, I know that this is a calling for me.
I can see when people paint from their souls, and when they don’t. I love the rebels…the ones who scoff at the “shoulds”. I want to be more like them.
I’ve had more people ask me how I do my art now than I ever have in my life. I’ve sold more art on my own than I ever have.
And so, y’all, that’s the long version.
I want to encourage all of you who are artists to take a risk. Jump out of that box that you have put yourself in and lose control. Paint with wild abandon. Do something that you have never done before. Try new techniques. Break that mold. Risk. Dare. But, CREATE!!!
May We Walk Together as One.