Author Archives: Paula Jones

#metoo

#metoo
#metoo

I have to be totally honest here.  First of all, I’ve never, ever been one to follow the crowd.  The pink pussy hats and #metoo movements never interested me.  To be frank, hadn’t most or all women been discriminated against, or sexually abused in one way or another?  What good would my being a part of these movements benefit society? (please bear with me through this)

I had particularly strong feelings towards the #metoo movement.  After all, I had been sexually abused in one form or another since I was in Junior High, ending three years ago in a gray date rape situation (not unlike this current one!), and I was fine.  Wasn’t I?  WASN’T I????

This past incident, however, brought up so much stored emotion ranging from total disgust with myself, to total outrage.  I couldn’t speak to anyone for days.  (Which is rare for me when I am in crisis mode!)

I WASN’T FINE.  I had let everything that had happened to me fester….until….like a pimple….it popped…..and the AHA’S started flooding in.

My parents had always made me aware that I had to be a nice girl.  Don’t rock the boat.  Don’t make a scene.  Don’t say anything that might be misconstrued.  Plus, the only real advice I received about men was that it was playing with fire.

And so, when it started in Junior High with a band instructor, (who used to feel my breasts), all I would do was push his hand away.  My dirty little secret was just that…mine.  Until he did the same thing to my sister.

Over and over again it would happen.  Until I became numb.

I felt that the only way to get a boyfriend was to have sex with him.  After all, isn’t that what they wanted?  Why would they want to be with me for any other reason?  (Oh heck – here comes the poor self-esteem creature!)

After my divorce, (which, partially, was because I wasn’t able to be intimate) I picked up where I left off.

A series of failed relationships where I found myself, once again, not able to be intimate.

And then, this last incident.

Which made me look long and hard at what “I” was doing to attract this sort of thing.

Loads of AHA’S.  I didn’t feel comfortable with the #metoo movement because I hadn’t healed yet.  I still didn’t feel worthy.  I attracted those that were here to bring me lessons.

What happened two plus weeks ago has taught me so much about myself.

I desire a relationship with someone who respects and honors me, but, that won’t happen until I respect and honor myself.

I’m painting my way through it….strong, powerful, naked, #metoo, and #toomuchwomen.  Warrior goddesses.  Those that aren’t afraid to set clearer and stronger boundaries.  Those that aren’t afraid to ask for what they want.  AND GET IT!  It’s healing for me.  I’m also working with a sister/coach who sees my forest for my trees.

My judgement is falling away more and more.  I don’t blame myself (as much).  I’m diving deep, and coming up for air.

And so, I guess this post is to say – I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I judged ANY ONE who has gone through this.  I’m sorry that you went through it.  I’m sorry that it continues to happen.

I think the one thing that I need to add here and say to all men is that these women (or men) that you are using for your pleasure and disrepecting, are somebody’s daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, or aunt.  PLEASE consider that next time that your urges threaten to get the best of you….because, it could happen to YOUR family.

I hope that you find these paintings as healing for you, as painting them has been for me.

Many blessings to you all.

Paula

What is date rape? (Warning: Graphic Content)

Fully Exposed
Fully Exposed

I met someone.  It’s always been a joke between my friends and I that the only way that I am going to meet someone is at the grocery store or Walmart.  This one actually came to my house and purchased something that I had for sale.

He was so much of what I had envisioned myself ending up with, that it was uncanny.  There were few reservations.  I shared a lot about why I had so many intimacy issues, and he appeared to be super sensitive to my wanting to get to know him, before diving into being intimate.  I was surprised at how easy it was to set so many boundaries with him.

He was brilliant, incredibly spiritual, dorky, and made me laugh.  His ability to read my thoughts as I was thinking them was astonishing.  Time and time again, before I could even verbalize, he knew what I was going to say.  Frequently, I didn’t even HAVE to speak, and he would just KNOW what was going on in my mind.

I most definitely was starting to consider this relationship as long term.  Check, check, check.  It all seemed to be on my list.  I was even starting to feel that this was a man that I could work through my intimacy issues, and, eventually have a totally loving relationship with.  However, looking back on it, and through my processing, I realized that I had niggles of it not being quite right.  He was pushy, and I kept putting up boundaries.

He wanted to do energy work on me, which felt totally natural.  After all, I had shared ALL of my reservations about intimacy, and, once again, it seemed to me that he was in complete alignment.

We went to my bedroom, and he started doing work on me.  It felt otherworldly.  I was in heaven.  It was like all of my fears were melting away.

I allowed him to get physical with me…..but….it had been so long since I had been intimate, that it was painful.

We stopped.

We snuggled.

He told me that he understood.

I was grateful.

And then.

Before I knew it, he flipped me over, and rammed himself into me.

My whole being disappeared.

I was in shock.

I couldn’t respond OR react.

All I could think was, how could he do this?

After he finished, he said he had done me a favor since I was basically a “virgin” again.

I couldn’t even speak.

All I could think was that I wanted him to go home.  He read my mind, saying “I know you want me to leave.”  Followed by, “Thanks for letting me finish.”

It took me a while to process.  I’ve always been one that wants everyone to like me.  I’ve always put my needs last.  I’m a product of how I was raised, along with my patterns, karma, Akashic records, and soul contracts.

I felt guilty.  I felt ashamed.  I felt dirty and used.  I blamed myself.  I blamed myself, for not saying no, for having a sensual body, for being attractive, for being intelligent, and for being funny…..all of the characteristics that he found attractive.

I painted.  STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN.

Own Your Truth

They gave me strength.  They brought me messages that it is OKAY to be all of the things that I blamed myself for.  They told me that it was not my fault, and to stop beating myself up.  They also reminded me that this was one of the most powerful lessons of my life, and until I finally understood that listening to my intuition is the most important thing that I could do for myself, that these sort of incidences would continue to happen to me.

I’m not the victim here.  I am the victor.  He is not the enemy, nor do I hate him….on the contrary, I am grateful.  Grateful because I finally got it GUS!   I finally understand.

It will probably take me a while to fully process the whole incident.

So, was it date rape?  I’m not completely sure.  Way too much gray.  The only thing that I am sure of is that I’ve done a powerful shift.  It will take time to integrate the full lesson.

I do know that I am painting these STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN for others who are in the same boat as I am in.  The ones that feel guilty and ashamed.  The empaths.  The sensitive ones.  The ones who are afraid to be all that they are.

Is She Finished, Or a Work In Progress

The victors.

Because, there is no time like the present to finally “get” our lessons.

After all, we have a world to change.

May We Walk Together As One,

Paula

 

What if…..

I want to play a game….A game called “What If”.  I just recently finished a series on Netflix called Travelers…For those of you who have seen it, you know there was a HUGE cliffhanger.  For those of you who don’t know anything about the series…the cliff notes are that people “traveled” from the future, to… Continue Reading

About Paula
Raven Shaman