Being Transparent … or letting go.

Not Afraid Anymore. She used to be afraid to let someone see her darkness,  because it frightened her.  She used to be afraid to show her wings, because she didn't understand.   She used to be afraid to let someone in, because she really didn't even know herself.
Not Afraid Anymore.
She used to be afraid to let someone see her darkness, because it frightened her.
She used to be afraid to show her wings, because she didn’t understand.
She used to be afraid to let someone in, because she really didn’t even know herself.

We all have wounds.  Sometimes buried so deep that we can never see them or find them.  Or, we know that certain patterns are present, but we consciously choose not to look.  Because it is ultra painful to admit our own shortcomings.   It is SO much easier to point fingers and blame it on someone else.

However, when the pattern continues to repeat, we have to look within, IF we desire it to change. And, that is hard, but also the most powerful work that we can do.   It take courage.  Courage to look within to see what OUR contribution is.  WHY we continue to repeat patterns that no longer serve us.   It is so much easier to blame it on someone else’s behavior.  Until it isn’t.  Until your life repeats and repeats and you have something happen that makes you really look within.

Very, VERY long story, but, I’ll try my best to condense it down.

I always knew I would meet a tall black man.  I even did a sculpture of us together three years before we met.  The night I first saw him I knew I would see him.  As fate would have it, we were both on the same dating site, and months after I saw him, I received a message from him through the site.  We put two and two together and started dating.   I knew he was different.  It wasn’t all butterflies, fairies and unicorns.  But, it was a deep connection.   A lasting friendship.

Until red flags on both sides started showing.   Until we started pushing each other’s buttons.  Tapping into each other’s wounding.  The more he tapped into mine, the more I went into my shell (I’m a Cancer, after all!).  The more I went into my shell, the more he was triggered.  It got ugly.  REAL UGLY.  Nasty, horrible words said.

We broke up, but for some reason to continued to communicate, always ending in the ugly button pushing.  It fueled that part in me that still wanted to be the victim.  The part in me that didn’t feel good enough.  The part in me that believed some of what he said.

I said horrid things about him. (All because of MY wounding.)   Because of his words that he used due to HIS wounding.  It was still a toxic relationship.  But, what about me was fueled because of it?

I met someone else.  He didn’t understand metaphysics.  He wasn’t a communicator.  Wonderful man, very full of integrity, but, I knew I was trying to fill this void inside of me.

It made me reflect.

There was something juicy coming, I knew, because I was at a point of great uncomfortableness.

And, then, it came.

An email.  The most sincere, heartfelt, apologetic email I have ever received.  No “however’s or but’s”.  Totally taking responsibility for his part in the failure of our relationship without finger pointing.  It came out of the blue, and caught me off guard.   The energy had totally shifted.

And, I knew the time had come for me to look at MY wounding (dammit!).   I knew I had to stop running from MY fears, and MY ugliness.  If he could do it, and be totally vulnerable and transparent, then I could too.  Or, I HAD to.  I owed it to MYSELF to look at my contribution.

I said not so nice things about him as was my pattern when I didn’t feel things were right in any relationship.  I told him.  Before I could even ask for forgiveness, he gave it.  NOW, came the hard part.  Forgiving myself.  I had to look deep inside to figure out WHY I did such things.  It has been a painful, and enlightening process.  I had to really look at my motivation.   Of COURSE, it COULDN’T be me?!   Or could it?

I realized that I too, am human.  Here to learn valuable lessons towards total love.   Which includes being able to forgive – myself first – then, and only then, would I be able to forgive others.   To look at other’s with compassion.  Through different eyes.  Through the eyes of love, rather than fear.

Of course, it has been painful.  VERY.  I’ve been exhausted.  I’ve had to ask for space to process, which he has generously been able to grant to me.   I’ve not  been afraid to state what I need (well, honestly, the first couple of times I had to ask – I felt guilty – but, I did it).

We have a strong connection.   He understands me now because of the pain I have been able to face and share.  And, I see how I pushed his buttons – unconsciously at first, and then it became second nature.  He has spent a lot a quiet reflective time looking deeply at his contributions.

It’s been healing.  For both of us.

I’m sure things will come up the deeper than we go, the more vulnerable we become, but, finally, I feel as though we have a strong foundation to build upon.

Isn’t it amazing to be alive during these times?  To know that good can come from the “bad”?

To know that love can grow when we let go of fear?

Blessings,

Paula

 

 

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About Paula