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Depression is a Fickle Lover

Throw into the mix spiritual path, empath, people pleaser, AND HSP, and that tends to be a recipe for disaster!!!

I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t occasionally have to deal with the demon Depression. Oh, I know, so many people say things like: “It’s all in your head.” (yup) or, “Just think positive!”

These people mean well, they just don’t know what it is like to be in THIS place of perpetual darkness. (And, BTW, it doesn’t help AT ALL, because, once again, it makes those of us who are in this situation feel even worse!)

I had a friend describe how depression feels to her. She said, it’s like clawing your way out constantly. You finally get to this place of serenity, and then…. BOOM…it’s BAAAAACCCCKKK! There are days when one wonders whether or not it’s worth it. (Ok, actually, that’s me…”I” wonder whether or not it is worth it.)

However, right now, at this very moment, (and could change on a dime!), I’m choosing (because otherwise, I’m not sure how I would deal with it) to believe that the lotus only blooms in yucky, mucky water.

I’ve been in this place, all truth be told, since mid to late August. My usual lifelines, because of a series of things that had to happen, had either been severed, or were on hiatus.

I’m an external processor,. But, AND, I knew that it was time for me to learn how to process internally. To really dance with this devil, and clean out some of the dark corners.

I had one dear friend show up for me in a big way, but she was also riding some pretty intense rapids. We reached out to one another frequently, but, never lost sight of the fact that we were both dealing with our own individual demons, albeit, very similar.

The only time I would feel connected to GUS (God, Universe, Spirit), was when I was painting, so you would assume that I would be doing that all of the time….but, when all I wanted to do was hide in my blankie fort, it’s difficult to pull out of that fog, and actually DO something.

I’m so grateful, believe it or not, for this time though. I’ve looked at some pretty serious ancestral wounds, some debilitating patterns, and some ALMOST insurmountable triggers.

I have a few good days, now and then, which help me through my darkness.

I think paintings these Gnomes and Angel Wings have been healing for me.

But, what has helped me most, lately, is a mantra that goes, when I can remember to say it, “Everything happens for a reason.”

I know that I’ll make it through this time. But, for now, I’ll be in my blankie fort, watching some nameless series on Netflix.

Sending hugs to all of you, from afar.

May We Walk Together As One

AND,

Remember…..

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Maybe part of the reason this is happening to me right now, and writing about it, is so some of you don’t feel so alone!

Paula

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When are we gonna get there?

Said in the whiniest voice from a small child who is tired of riding in the car!! All of you who have ever traveled with small children know EXACTLY what it sounds like!!! They want to GET THERE!!

My parents must have been crazy and/or saints to want to travel with four children five and a half years apart! But, we made up games…”I see, I see, what do I see”…and sang (in harmony, mind you…yes, we were the dorky family!) The “I see” game forced us to be mindful of what was around us. At that point, it became more about the journey, rather than the destination.

As adults on this spiritual path, we are not much different.

When I started this trek to self-knowledge, I was FIRED UP!!! I had known for quite some time that there was something else out there. No one else in my family had ever gone where I had NO IDEA I was going. I just KNEW that it was all going to be fairies and unicorns farting glitter. I said to GUS, (in my true Mars in Aries fashion), “BRING IT ON!”

Oh holy shit balls Batman!

And, GUS provided. In spades.

I’ve learned that lessons get deeper. You THINK you have it down, and you get a bit cocky (mind you, there is a difference between “knowing” and being cocky), and then GUS throws you a curve ball saying, “Catch THIS one!” It’s like a spiral. There are a lot of ancestral wounds that show up. Familial patterns that need healing. Karma that needs to be corrected. Triggers that need to be looked at.

YUP, it is a lot.

But, you can’t unknow what you know.

I’ve been approached a lot lately by people who are just now waking up….it’s happening by the hundreds of thousands everyday. And, I love the ones that ask questions. Somehow they know that they don’t know it all, and are dazed and confused. There are, however, the ones that know it all. The cocky ones. I see them, because I WAS THEM!!!

Lately though, I’ve been choosing humility. I’ve been choosing to look at the donut rather than the hole (most of the time). I’ve been choosing to celebrate the little things: A passionate thunderstorm, the way the sunlight lights up the leftover rain, my littles throwing themselves into my arms and screaming “Mimi”.

I’ve had many incredible mentors throughout my awakening…whom I am grateful for, but it’s time now for me to trust my own inner knowing.

To know that there will be bad days, and that I have a tool box overflowing with tools I have picked up along the way to use during these bad times. I don’t beat myself up (as much), knowing that the lessons come in waves and take me deeper.

I’m grateful more. (When I don’t feel overwhelmed.)

I trust MY intuition more.

I surrender more.

So, when are we going to “get there”?

Honestly, never.

It’s about the journey, not the destination.

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

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About Paula
Raven Shaman