Hope Rising

hoperisingOnce in a while someone pops into your life that you didn’t expect, or didn’t see coming, that you know is gonna make a huge difference in your life.   Most of the time it happens when you have let go of the expectation, desire or “need” to “find” that person.

And, almost 99.9% of the time, it is when you are completely happy with yourself.  Happy being yourself, in a state of just plain ole’ bliss.

It happened to me when I met my ex husband.  BANG….I was totally content being alone, going out with friends, and just having a good time being me.   My life was perfect without him….and then, it was perfect with him.  For twenty-five years.

Fast forward to the present.   I’ve been on quite a journey since deciding to leave my comfy marriage to a great guy…but, always looking outside of myself.

And, I made a totally conscious decision to go deep within to clear out some of my baggage that was keeping me from moving forward.   It has included some very deep soul searching, facing some shit I didn’t want to, or couldn’t face for some time.   It has involved a lot of writing and painting also….putting my soul on canvas.   Transparency seems to be my middle name.

A friend made a suggestion that I write down a list of what it was that I wanted in a significant other.  I took it one step further….I wrote down everything that I absolutely loved about every man that I have dated since leaving my marriage.  I found that doing it this way for me, allowed me to focus on all of the gifts that each one had given me….and why I enjoyed each and every one of them.

And then, I let go.

I left it up to the universe/god/spirit or whatever your belief system is.   I “let go and let god” so to speak.

Just when I had called it quits on the searching for someone….he popped in.

Someone filled with color.  Someone filled with passion.   Someone filled with orneriness, is happy, and is spiritual.   Someone filled with laughter, with twinkling eyes that sparkle when he gets tickled.   Someone who caught me off guard.  Someone who thinks I’m just as much of a prize as I think he is.

He makes me laugh.  He actually makes me feel like a giddy school girl again with a crush.

I have no idea where it is headed….and, for those of you who know me….I’m trying like hell to stay out of that fear place…that place of fear of abandonment.  That place of clingy/neediness.  Praying that my fear doesn’t take over.   Oh yeah, I still have stuff to work on, but he feels like someone who is willing to let me be me.

And just enjoying it for what it is.

This painting….is called Hope Rising.   For obvious reasons!!!

Much love always,

Paula

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