I am an external processor…

Baring it all

Or, I was…and kinda still am, but, I’m making an effort to listen to MY guidance more and more. Yes, I am not always able to hear what is being said all the time, and those are the times I reach out to my very tight inner circle for clarity.

When I posted my last blog, and set a super strong boundary (something I struggle with, as I am a Cancer, and pretty dang flowy), I had NO IDEA the huge can of worms I was opening.

And, this morning, the cherry on top came.

From a woman who made a very strong “victim- ish” comment. She chastised me for restating my boundary for those who made “an effort to comfort me in my time of anguish”. And how I had a lack of humility because she was trying to connect to a “fellow sufferer”. Finally the cherry comment, obviously you think “you are the only person on earth”!

My little girl was frantic. The door to her safe place is now firmly closed, and she didn’t know how to process these comments.

This is all new for me. In the past, I would retreat. And externally process, rather than getting to the root. Stop writing. Stop painting. Stop having an opinion, or setting boundaries. I would sing the “nobody likes me everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms” song. I can’t anymore. I’ve been on this threshold far too often to repeat these patterns.

In the not-so-distant past, I was this woman. NO ONE could out-victim me!!!! NO ONE.

And so, when she told her victim story, and her last sentence was “Is this what you are experiencing?” (even though I stated I had a NO TOLERANCE boundary), I replied “No…I am just processing a lot”.

This was me, you guys.

I used to want to have people commiserate with my misery. Because, as you know, Misery Loves Company. It made me feel like I “fit in” at least somewhere.

I don’t claim to have all of my $#it together. I DO have more tools in my toolbox now to deal with curve balls, but, I do NOT claim to have all of the answers. I don’t think any of us can claim that….as there will always be new layers revealed.

So, when I stated my NO TOLERANCE boundary, it was because I am a recovering external processor. One who puts more value on what others think, rather than relying on my own knowing. Frequently going against my own intuition, because if so-and-so said it, it must be right.

It’s an old pattern of mine that needs to be broken. Along with the frightened little girl who wants everyone to like her, and will go to extremes, sacrificing her inner-knowing, just to “fit in”.

Writing this, is scary AF for me. It’s letting people know that I have demons. HOWEVER, my guidance is crystal clear on this. I am to write about my process to assure others that they are not alone.

I know that I keep harping on this one very important point….but, y’all, it’s time to heal. It’s time to look within ourselves and play nice with the demons. Most of the time, all they need is to be recognized…

I have compassion for this woman….because she is me. She is host to one of the same demons that I have worked hard to cast out. I feel her. I empathize….BUT, I will NOT go to her level any longer. I can’t.

I’m sure this may open up another can of worms…

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

4 Responses to I am an external processor…

  1. Omg! U gave a platform for my own blindsots,DEMONs, voices from when I was a blank slate! Thank u,a millionTime!
    Again we react to what’s really in us to discover!
    GREATFULL discovery to all of on this Path ! ❤️

  2. Always interesting how situations show up at the right time. I have been making a conscious effort to listen to/ trust my inner guidance. Something I have worked for 50+ years to ignore to the point where I don’t even know if I have one anymore. Recently a potential client contacted me & we bantered back & forth about doing business. Long story short something went off inside me & I told him that I had gotten a bad feeling about it & that I was choosing to trust that & not do business with him. It’s a month later & he messaged me again trying to persuade me otherwise. And I question my judgement again because my father always taught me that the customer is always right. I’m still trusting my judgement but the little girl in me is uneasy! It’ll be ok! We can do this!!❤️Thanks for your insightful, raw posts! They help!

    • Oh sweet pea…This was what “I” needed also. It’s so powerful when one puts oneself out there, and you get confirmation that it was the right thing to do. Any time I put myself out there, and have something happen like what happened today…I run and hide for about 3-6 months…this time..the door shut so that my little girl can’t hide anymore.

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