I failed.

May We Walk Together As One

Yesterday morning was tough on me.  I went into a “Why can’t you seem to do anything right” spot.  I went to a party the night before, and got completely overwhelmed.  LOTS of people in a very small space.  Some I knew well.  Some I knew as an acquaintance.  But, most I didn’t know at all.

An Empath nightmare.

I stayed two hours.  (an hour longer than I really wanted to.)

And, then I bolted.

Didn’t say goodbye to a single soul.

So out of character for me and totally against how I was raised.

I just could not breathe and got a tad panicky.

Totally beat myself up the next morning.

In addition, I had to do some heavy duty boundary setting with three separate people….something that I am not yet completely comfortable with, but, gaining strength.  And, seeing how much lack of boundaries has led to my victim mentality.

Ten lashes, Paula.

The voice inside my head said – “You are such a loser.  Who are you to tell someone what is, and what isn’t acceptable to you?  Why should you expect someone to do as they promise?  Who are you to tell someone that you don’t want to listen to them go on ad nauseum about how great they are?  What makes you think that it’s ok to say no to someone when they tell you what to do?”

I went to a yoga class with a friend, in spite of my wanting to hermit inside of Agnes.

It was just what I needed.

And then this from a friend who does human design readings – “Open Heart Mantra: I do not have to prove anything to anyone, including myself.”

And then, the best part of all – an evening with a friend who lives in my old “hood” in Taos – a rambling walk on the Mesa, walking by my old home, followed by a great healthy meal, ceremonial songs, metaphysical discussions, and breathtaking sunset.

WTF, Paula Jean????

You did NOT fail at all.  In fact, you passed with flying colors.  You are just not used to this new way of thinking and being.   You weren’t taught to take care of yourself and to set boundaries.  You were taught to be the good girl and make everyone happy, even at your own expense. You have had this perverse way of thinking that everyone needs to like you.  It’s a new way of “being” for you, and so, just like when you exercise for the first time in a long time and your muscles are sore, so too when you try out new ways of being, you are going to have sore and tender “muscles”.

Ahhhhhhhh…..there is the lesson.

We are all shifting and changing at such a rapid rate right now, that sometimes we don’t know which way is up.  We question ourselves.  Some of us beat ourselves up – better than anyone else can.  It’s a new way of “being”.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s foreign.

But, it’s necessary.

Be gentle on yourself.  These are unchartered waters for most of us.

Be gentle on others.  Again, these are unchartered waters.

Lord God, if we can’t love, forgive and have compassion for ourselves, how can we have it for others? (Think about that!!!)

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

 

 

5 Responses to I failed.

  1. Been trying lately to identify what it was in my upbringing that grew into the no-so-gentle monster that is so hard on me. Sometimes I feel like a whack-a-mole, poke my head out, engage with the world, get overwhelmed, retreat and beat myself up. You’ve locked on to a key element, Paul. Compassion and forgiveness starts with us, for us. Great post.

  2. Paula, so beautifully said, so hard to practice, to put into ‘being’, but so good. Even to break out of the doing what we think everyone else thinks is “right” for us. Only we know, but oh what a journey to find this. And I think when we are older, this model is just a little bit harder to stretch and reshape, even break. You sound like you are on a grand journey, and I admire your spirit and honesty.

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