I must have been crazy….

Ascending-40 x 30
Ascending-40 x 30

….or was I?

I first separated from my, now, ex-husband around Thanksgiving in 2006.  I knew something wasn’t right.  I just wasn’t happy.  I was actually, rarely happy.   Don’t get me wrong.  He was and is a marvelous, wonderful, generous, very handsome man.  We rarely argued. He was good to me.  Very good.  But, something was wrong.   Something was missing.

I talked to friends….”It’s just a phase.  You’ll get over it.”   Okay, when?  I continually wondered.  When do I feel like me?  When do I feel like I belong?  When do I feel at peace?  When, just when?

I thought it was just him.  For a while.  Then, I would blame myself.   If you don’t know me, I’ll tell you, I am the Queen of Blame – self blame.  Self-flagellation, self-depreciation, self-pity.  I was good.  Really, really good.  I hated being alive.  More than you would ever know.

We got back together after many promises were made…..and then…..they were broken.  I moved to Taos. In November.  Alone.  I knew 4 – count them on one hand – 4 people.

My Womb
My Womb

I moved into a home – a beautiful home, handbuilt by a woman and her daughter on Hondo Mesa.  It was the perfect place to be alone and reflect. And Spirit gave me alone.  It was the second snowiest year on record in Taos…..and I had 3 miles of mud roads – the kind that suck your car in and swallow it if you leave at the wrong time of day.  I HATE mud.  I’d rather drive on ice.   I spent a lot of time in my bathtub with a bottle of wine, and candles with Eva Cassidy blaring on my IPod.  I cried, a lot.  I over-thought, over-analyzed, over-criticized.  I would go for days without seeing anyone.  Over one 5 day period – all I saw was the UPS man….I begged him to come in.   He must have thought I was nuts.  I don’t blame him, I thought I was nuts. Some of my family members thought I was nuts, so I must have been nuts – or crazy – or whatever you would call it when someone does something like I did.

But, today, I turned a corner – I made a shift.   I have been telling my “story” constantly, and feeling all the pain and emotion of the moment every time I retold the story.  I was continually looking back and asking why, how could this have happened?   Why/How could anyone have done this “to” me?   After all, wasn’t I a nice person?  When I wasn’t self- doubting myself that is.  Today, I came to the realization that they didn’t do it “to” me, they did it “for” me.   They did it because we had soul agreements, so that I would leave the comfort and predictability of my life to start a new journey.

A new Journey – into territories completely unknown to me until almost 3 years ago.  A territory that is full of magic, and wonder, and merriment, and……love.  Lots, and lots of unconditional love.  It is a gift.  It is the Holy Grail.  It is the cat’s meow….    I am painting more from my soul than ever.   I am allowing spirit to guide me, trusting that if I do the work on myself, and am willing to peel the layers down and really look at myself, that I will be guided in the right direction.  It is not all “airy-fairy” or “woo-woo”.   It is honest-to-goodness rewarding work – the kind that feels right, the kind that doesn’t feel like work, because it is what I was sent here to do.

Today – I felt gratitude – for all who pushed me here.   Today – I felt love – for all who fulfilled our soul agreements.   Today – I told my “story” and felt…..nothing.  It was just a story.  Today – I felt sane – not crazy.   I know I am headed in the right direction.  Because I feel good. I am being authentic – to me – to who I am.

I’m not crazy – I’m Me.

Much love,

Paula

 

 

 

 

8 Responses to I must have been crazy….

    • Thanks Kat. My partner asks me why I share so much, and the answer continues to be “Because spirit wants me to”. Sometimes I don’t even know what I wrote until I’m finished. Blessings to you.

  1. Telling our stories and hearing the stories of others is what connects us as human beings… There’s healing in the telling.
    There’s healing in the hearing.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. You go girl! You are you and nobody else. You must be true to you before you can be true to others! Keep on blogging …. I love it!
    Jaq

  3. paula, you never fail to bring me to tears – or the brink of tears – or to a feeling of “aaahhhh. so THAT’S what being on the right path feels like.” i seriously doubt that i will ever get to where I (my ego, that is) would like to be. my body is giving out, and not slowly. it may not have been part of my ego’s plan, but perhaps it is part of my soul’s: i just wish i could have a life-changing adventure, revelation, epiphany…something beides, “oh, hell, another body part just crapped out.” i still want to talk to you individually some time, but i have lost your number, and i seriously doubt that you are listed. i would like to write to you; a letter, a real, old-fashioned letter, but i have never had your physical address since you’ve moved to Taos. i’d e-mail you, but it’s hard to work the computer keys right now, plus i’ve lost your private e-mail address.

    in the spirit of an old friendship that may no longer “fit” you as well as it once did, but the thought of which (hopefully)does not send you screaming into the night with cries of “oh, DAMN! not HER again!!”, please, please send me your contact info once again. i promise not to be a bother to you and your life: I just need to be able to make occasional contact with someone I love very much – and for whom I feel so very much pride. I love you, sister. don’t be a stranger, huh?

    love you

    lisa kk

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