I’ve been totally absorbed the past couple of months…with the birth of my very first Grandson – Ezra – and with a new relationship.
I rarely write about current relationships, but, feel the need to share what I am learning about myself, because I feel that some of you out there, may actually have gone through, or am going through something very similar.
I completely chameleon when I’m in a relationship. Totally…If someone tells me to be purple with orange polka dots….I oblige (actually, that sounds like it could be kinda fun – but in all honesty, I’d rather be pink with green polka dots!). I believe as my partner believes regardless of what my thought processes are or have been in the past. I rarely question, and…lawd forbid….state my opinion or what I need.
This one, however, is different. He possesses many of the things on my “list”. He’s gentle, he’s kind, he’s intelligent (understatement), he LOVES trees, he’s funny…etc. etc. The list could go on forever. And, we have hit a bit of a snaffu. No relationship is without. My history in the past has been to put on my running shoes and get into a starting position and take off on a hundred yard dash (ok….that dates me!) when something like this happens. AND, to point fingers at whomever, or whatever the situation is as to why there is no frickin way in hell it can work! And, I did…but, something made me turn around and go back.
I realized, once again, I was running….not from him…but from me. From my truth, my beliefs, and who I have become. I, once again, was afraid to face me. I wasn’t confident enough in who I was to stand up for me.
And so, (after some sleep – which was badly needed) I started going within. A journey to the cobwebby place inside me that needed spring cleaning. Hell, it needed a life-time of cleaning!!!
I wrote an email – long and wordy – and, still apologetic for being me. I shared it with an incredible intuitive whom I have worked with before and she got me down to the nitty-gritty. She gently pointed out to me a pattern that I have had in the past. The chameleon thing. The losing myself to spite myself….because then, when the relationship doesn’t work out, I can point fingers. Was I willing to walk away? She gently asked me. Yes…Because it is time to be me…time to step into my power and not apologize for who I am or who I have become. Do you love him and yourself enough to let him possibly go to have an even greater love and understanding? A much harder question…but an easier answer. Yes.
I sent the revised email… damn, damn, damn.. My stomach hurt, I got the heebie jeebies and antsy pantsies. At the risk of losing the relationship…but, also, for the gift of finding me, for finally realizing that I need to stand up for me, because no one else will. The actual issue, really, is not that big…but for me it was. Because there was and is a huge lesson behind it.
I adore this man…and no matter what happens…he will always be a friend. He’s given me so many gifts…without even realizing it. Just by being who HE is…
I’m unattached to the outcome…Just basking in the wonder that I could actually state my needs. Without the fear of losing him. With love for myself.
After all…isn’t that what is the most important thing of all?