The Letter….to Myself

lyricaljourneysI’m having a bad day.

I’ve made the decision to write my book.  Fear is creeping in. I’m not sure if I am scared, or overwhelmed, or timid or what, but, I’m thinking about taking a month off to figure it all out.  Even though I know it’s important.  It’s a tough decision to commit to writing a book, especially one about really poor “mistakes” (I prefer to call them learning experiences), that I have made in my search for self-love.  And acceptance.  I knew something would come up in this process…and this is one of  many, I am sure.

I have a stress fracture of my right ankle, which, would be a perfect time to start writing, but all I can think about is how much I “need” to do. Which requires that I am up on my feet…Of course.  I’m running around in circles in pain, trying to “do” as much as I can, but not accomplishing anything.

A person in my circle (Outer circle now, used to be in a huge inner circle), is doing all kinds of things that is making me feel incompetent.  My choice, I get that, but, none-the-less.   DAYUM!!!

I have a friend suggest that I write a letter to her.  Working through my issues.  Pretending that she is me, and I am her.  She suggests that I hold her in a healing cocoon of light.  And tell her, that she is not broken, why she is important, why her voice matters, how she can do this, why it’s important that she does this, and why the world NEEDS her voice.  Okay, I can do that. And when you are finished, she says….Change it….change it as though you are standing in front of a mirror and talking with yourself.

Deep breath.  And another.  And, yet, one more.   Okay, my inner critic says, here goes nothing.
 
 

Dear Me,

I realize…that some days can be totally overwhelming.  I get that.  You always have a choice.   A choice to let it get you down, or look at it as a learning experience.

First of all….I know that having a stress fracture in your ankle is no fun.  But perhaps, it is to remind you that you need to take time to be quiet….and not be on the go quite so much.   Sometimes, you run in circles, accomplishing nothing other than running holes in your carpet, when in actuality, what you need to do is be quiet…and go within.  The only way you can heal that fracture is with quiet, rest, and putting your feet up.  Hmmmm….a timely message perhaps?   Be good to yourself….you are the most important person to you, and the world could benefit from your message.

Second of all…..STOP with the comparisons.   STOP!!!  LAWD child!!!  Everyone came here with their own message to share.  Their own karma to correct. And their own “mistakes” to make.   It’s so easy to get caught up with ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ so to speak, but do you really want to inherit all of THEIR skeletons as well as your own.   Do you really want to BE them?   Or, do you want to be the wonderful, loving, compassionate, friendly, intelligent, fun, joyful, accepting, talented, beautiful woman that YOU are?   What if, just what if, you stop with the comparisons and just look in the mirror to see what YOU have to offer.   Maybe, just maybe, you will see what others see in you.  That is my prayer for you.

Third of all and most important…..We (the world) needs your voice.  We need to hear about your journey, your journey from fear and judgment to acceptance and self-love. It’s important.   Not only to complete your own healing, but also to let others know that they are not alone.   You have been given courage to be transparent.   AND, WHOA, BABY…this is gonna be transparent.  You have things to share with others that you have done in your search for self-love that are less than pretty.   In fact, some of it is downright U.G.L.Y.   You having the courage to share your voice, will allow others to not be so harsh on themselves.   Or maybe, you are just writing it to heal yourself.   Either way, it helps heal the world, because the more of us that love ourselves unconditionally, the more the world is healed.    You can do this, Paula.  One chapter at a time.  Until it’s finished.   Just like eating an elephant.  One bite at a time.  Until you don’t want to even think about eating elephant ever again….HA!

You are one hell of a woman….  with courage and tenacity.   I honor you for choosing this path.  I honor you for doing it with humility.

Love,

Me.

Okay, so it didn’t kill me to write this.  My ankle actually feels better because I have been off of it for about an hour.   I have a chapter written.  And, I don’t feel the need to compare myself to anyone else.   Because, I’m not anyone else.   I’m just me.  Me.  I’m not her.  I’m me.  First time, in a long time, that THAT feels good.   I’m me…flaws, learning experiences, and all.  I’m me, quirky, funky and artistic.   I’m me, a tad bigger than I “should” be, but accepting of where I am.   I’m me, sometimes messy as hell, and sometimes, neat as a pin.  I’m me, one who loves to laugh and help my friends when they need it.  I’m just me….and that is enough.

I don’t suck after all.

 

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