I met someone. It’s always been a joke between my friends and I that the only way that I am going to meet someone is at the grocery store or Walmart. This one actually came to my house and purchased something that I had for sale.
He was so much of what I had envisioned myself ending up with, that it was uncanny. There were few reservations. I shared a lot about why I had so many intimacy issues, and he appeared to be super sensitive to my wanting to get to know him, before diving into being intimate. I was surprised at how easy it was to set so many boundaries with him.
He was brilliant, incredibly spiritual, dorky, and made me laugh. His ability to read my thoughts as I was thinking them was astonishing. Time and time again, before I could even verbalize, he knew what I was going to say. Frequently, I didn’t even HAVE to speak, and he would just KNOW what was going on in my mind.
I most definitely was starting to consider this relationship as long term. Check, check, check. It all seemed to be on my list. I was even starting to feel that this was a man that I could work through my intimacy issues, and, eventually have a totally loving relationship with. However, looking back on it, and through my processing, I realized that I had niggles of it not being quite right. He was pushy, and I kept putting up boundaries.
He wanted to do energy work on me, which felt totally natural. After all, I had shared ALL of my reservations about intimacy, and, once again, it seemed to me that he was in complete alignment.
We went to my bedroom, and he started doing work on me. It felt otherworldly. I was in heaven. It was like all of my fears were melting away.
I allowed him to get physical with me…..but….it had been so long since I had been intimate, that it was painful.
We stopped.
We snuggled.
He told me that he understood.
I was grateful.
And then.
Before I knew it, he flipped me over, and rammed himself into me.
My whole being disappeared.
I was in shock.
I couldn’t respond OR react.
All I could think was, how could he do this?
After he finished, he said he had done me a favor since I was basically a “virgin” again.
I couldn’t even speak.
All I could think was that I wanted him to go home. He read my mind, saying “I know you want me to leave.” Followed by, “Thanks for letting me finish.”
It took me a while to process. I’ve always been one that wants everyone to like me. I’ve always put my needs last. I’m a product of how I was raised, along with my patterns, karma, Akashic records, and soul contracts.
I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt dirty and used. I blamed myself. I blamed myself, for not saying no, for having a sensual body, for being attractive, for being intelligent, and for being funny…..all of the characteristics that he found attractive.
I painted. STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN.
They gave me strength. They brought me messages that it is OKAY to be all of the things that I blamed myself for. They told me that it was not my fault, and to stop beating myself up. They also reminded me that this was one of the most powerful lessons of my life, and until I finally understood that listening to my intuition is the most important thing that I could do for myself, that these sort of incidences would continue to happen to me.
I’m not the victim here. I am the victor. He is not the enemy, nor do I hate him….on the contrary, I am grateful. Grateful because I finally got it GUS! I finally understand.
It will probably take me a while to fully process the whole incident.
So, was it date rape? I’m not completely sure. Way too much gray. The only thing that I am sure of is that I’ve done a powerful shift. It will take time to integrate the full lesson.
I do know that I am painting these STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN for others who are in the same boat as I am in. The ones that feel guilty and ashamed. The empaths. The sensitive ones. The ones who are afraid to be all that they are.
The victors.
Because, there is no time like the present to finally “get” our lessons.
After all, we have a world to change.
May We Walk Together As One,
Paula
Yes,it is date rape.you stopped because it was painful,and he seemed very ok with that.then without your willing physical participation in the completion of the act or even your verbal consent to continue,he used your body to complete his ejaculation by use of physical force.it doesn’t matter that he was a guest in your home,that you were naked together in your bed, that you had attempted intimacy together a short while before.what matters is you stopped,but he chose to finish the act without your consent and physical participation.it wouldn’t matter if you were married,for Christ’s sake.he used your body for his pleasure without your consent in that very moment.that is rape.
it took me so much time to figure it out… so many thoughts swirling around in my head. BUT, I know now that it WASN’T ok. What he did WASN’T ok. He utilized the spiritual connection to get what he wanted. However, what he doesn’t get, is how strong it has made me. Blessings to you AND, Thank you
What gray areas? There are none! Did you ask him to do that to you? No! That’s rape! Get justice now! That man was a spiritual predator and you were assaulted by him! Seek help IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I say all of this to you because I have experienced the very same thing and because he manipulated me I was as uncertain as you are now and by the time I saw what had truly been done to me and my energy it was far too late… Please be as strong as the women you paint and honor your sacred feminine by standing up and defending yourself!!! Put him where he belongs and save his next potential target from what too many women have already experienced… Please… If you can’t or won’t do it for you, at least do it for them…
I don’t have a leg to stand on….for me to tell him that what he did was not ok with me, is a gigantic step for me. Yes, he manipulated me… AND, it shows me where I still need work.
Thank you for sharing this, Paula, though it sets my protective streak going and makes me want to crotch kick this dude. Certainly, this is text book date rape. And that he thinks he “did you a favor” is so much of what women are trying to change right now. That you have been able to use this horrific thing to shift your own being is a testament to the depth of your character. And undoubtedly it will touch other women who have been through this to know that we are not alone. Hugs and love to you.
I love you sugar….
And it is love returned.
Rape. No question. I’m so sorry he took advantage of your trust. He’s a predator and I’d bet it’s not the first time he’s used his “energy work” to drop a victm’s defenses. He ruins the modality for true light workers.
I say prosecute him.
I struggled for days….was it rape, or was it me not being able to say no. I think I am still processing the nuances of the situation. Going over it time and time again in my head. The thing I keep coming back to is his promise that it would be MY idea….and that I would have to make the move. He’s a heavy hitter in the music industry, as well as being an incredible musician…I was mesmorized…As well as his knowledge of spiritual everything. I thought he understood exactly what my issues were, because he appeared to be super sensitive anytime I shared. But, not so much. He came over the next morning…had me convinced that we just needed to work it out. But, I kept coming back to what had happened. HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE WHAT HE DID IF HE WAS WHO HE CLAIMED TO BE?
I want to know his name so we can all steer clear…or call him out if we do cross paths.
Oh sweet woman… I love you
He did rape you. He took something from you that you weren’t ready to give. And the “thank you for letting me finish” is just as big of a punch in the gut. I’ve been there. I was raped at 19 brutally and again much later in a much more subtle way because there were men in my life that taught me they saying no was an insult to their manhood. I still struggle with the difference of saying no because I want to or saying yes because I think I should. Don’t get me wrong. I love sex a lot but my rapists have done a number on my psyche. You are incredibly brave for sharing this and sharing may just reach the right ones at the exact moment they need it. #maywewalktogetherasone
“I still struggle with the difference of saying no because I want to or saying yes because I think I should”. YES!!! He had promised me that he would NOT be the one who approached me, that it will have to come from me, AND ONLY ME. AND, the two comments that he made: Thank you for letting me finish, along with I did you a favor…gave me chills. I argued with my guides for hours about writing and posting this…I paced forever….until, they reminded me that one of my jobs is to be transparent to help others….
Oh Paula, so sorry ypu had this “insult” i usethat word because it means do mant things. An insult to who you are, your character, your mind, your soul, your body.
I can see how it all came to pass. He raped you. No excuses.
Im shocked he came over the next day- you must have been scared to death. You may thinknit was a nice gesture but did he take respinsibility for your violation?
Step back, breathe in the goodness that DOES exist. Be careful and that in itself is ok.
I wait for the day to see your pictures of big bold women that are enough – with beautiful colors gradually saturating out the grey. Be good to yourself, be who you are, do not make excuses for this guy- if your best friend or daughter told you this- your angel wings would have overtaken this man of poor character and cast him off. You’ve got those wings around you , dont forget
Thank you sweet woman…
I agree with Maricel. The nerve of him coming to your home the next morning. You had to have been terrified. I am so sorry to hear what this “man” did to you.
Honestly, I’m actually glad, and I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but, he was my wake-up call.
It was not your fault. He realized it was painful. So he stopped only to start it again violently and against any regard for your the pain he caused. He is a horrible man.I am glad you found freedom in your art. You are an amazing woman. Your artwork is beautiful. Stay strong ❣️
Thank you so much…. As often as I have gone through it in my head….I KNOW he is not the person he claims to be.
Sounds like a classic narcissist Tender and compassion to start, but only so you’d let your guard down in order for him to move in for the kill.
I am so sorry you had to go through this, Paula. Yes, it was rape, but probably hard to prosecute. The real world is not like SVU. There are many lessons here and as you said, it will take time to process it all. But know that you are not guilty of any more than wanting someone to love you. All are not worthy of your love, but you have learned a lesson in discernment I am sure. Take care of yourself first as the most important person you know and love. You have my prayers for healing.
I’m actually NOT sorry… The lesson in discernment was invaluable.
Yes, I believe his “gift” was your new awareness, and yes, I believe you were raped. And, if I look through the eyes of the man, (any man,) I see that we ask a lot of them when we go so far, and then ask them to stop. And, how else would we be able to heal? I don’t know the answers to any of this. I do know that the sheer power and force of this primal drive is almost impossible to control,by men or by women. I honor and respect you for the sharing of your story…it’s so important that we women walk this journey together, as we are now doing all over the world. It is our time to stand up, to heal and to share with upcoming generations the wisdom that we have gained. Much love honey.
I call BS…sorry Kat. Our ability to “control” that “primal drive” is what makes us human.
If that’s “asking a lot of men” we are screwed anyway.
He was a manipulator….