Why, oh WHY, do I want to be a victim?

Celebrating A Healed Heart
Celebrating a Healed Heart

Well, let me fill you in on why I do! Or did. But, it is easier to see now…and much easier dealt with.

(This is probably one of the most transparent blogs I have ever written!)

Conversation with Myself:

Why do you feel the need to check your phone 20 times/hour just to see ( and confirm what you already KNOW for God’s sake), that he still hasn’t text, let alone called?

Why – Exactly WHY???

I know this is a hard fucking question but seriously sugah (enter in a wonderful friend from Taos who grew up in Alabama) – You have got a SERIOUS GLITCH IN YO HARD DRIVE!!!

Why the HELL do you want to feel bad?

Does it go back deep into your childhood?

Where – WHERE exactly did it start?

This isn’t about him, love. You know that deep down inside. He came to honor your soul agreement to help you learn a couple of BIG lessons.

And, pray tell, smarty pants, what exactly are these lessons???!!!

End Convo

 

It is actually pretty deep.

One lesson was to learn to love with abandon and embrace the goddess inside me. Really hard for me to acknowledge before he entered into my life.

Before he walked in, I was just another middle-aged woman with a past written on my face, seen if you look deep into my eyes, and plastered on my canvasses.

For this lesson alone – I will be eternally grateful.

Sometimes, tho, the most rewarding lessons are the hardest to face…and then, choose to walk through the fire – so to speak.

The courage it takes to look down at those hot coals, put your fears aside and just trust. Trust that it’s all just an illusion, a dream, a game…and that you won’t burn your feet.

And then you breathe. Inhale – Exhale.   One more time to push those nagging fears out. Inhale – Exhale. And step – onto the coals – your reality at that moment is that the coals cannot and will not burn your feet.

You realize there is something much deeper going on here.

Much like facing something that has been buried underneath years of crap…and most of the crap has gone – so, now, THIS crap wants out also.

And so you decide to face the crap – Inhale – Exhale – and move into it.

The greatest lesson from anyone in my life – the lesson from him, (and a life long lesson that has been trying to be taught to me for some time – but I GOT it with him) and the reason I choose to walk across the fire, was an ugly ugly pattern ready to change. I liked to feel bad.

A victim – so that others should feel sorry for for whatever drama that I can imagine, or muster up. It was attention – not the best kind – but it was attention.

I could feel myself battle myself. Who the hell was gonna win?

My little girl who is begging…no, PLEADING for attention?

Or what I call my higher self? Who I feel I really REALLY am?

I think I’m seriously sick and tired (thanks Mom!) and ready to LET THAT SHIT GO!!!   LORD GOD!! IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!! (Although perfectly timed!)

I’m so grateful that I finally see this pattern. And now that it has been identified, the scallywag is much easier thwarted. That downward spiral becomes nothing more than a rollercoaster ride – Scary – Exhilarating – With an end! (Thank God!)

So – wow – I’m honored that the one I had a soul agreement with came in such a beautiful, amazing package. One that let me in. One filled with compassion and courage to be true to himself, and the courage to change his mind.

Bless his heart.

 

Much love,

Paula

 

 

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