Tag Archives: Intuition

What is date rape? (Warning: Graphic Content)

Fully Exposed
Fully Exposed

I met someone.  It’s always been a joke between my friends and I that the only way that I am going to meet someone is at the grocery store or Walmart.  This one actually came to my house and purchased something that I had for sale.

He was so much of what I had envisioned myself ending up with, that it was uncanny.  There were few reservations.  I shared a lot about why I had so many intimacy issues, and he appeared to be super sensitive to my wanting to get to know him, before diving into being intimate.  I was surprised at how easy it was to set so many boundaries with him.

He was brilliant, incredibly spiritual, dorky, and made me laugh.  His ability to read my thoughts as I was thinking them was astonishing.  Time and time again, before I could even verbalize, he knew what I was going to say.  Frequently, I didn’t even HAVE to speak, and he would just KNOW what was going on in my mind.

I most definitely was starting to consider this relationship as long term.  Check, check, check.  It all seemed to be on my list.  I was even starting to feel that this was a man that I could work through my intimacy issues, and, eventually have a totally loving relationship with.  However, looking back on it, and through my processing, I realized that I had niggles of it not being quite right.  He was pushy, and I kept putting up boundaries.

He wanted to do energy work on me, which felt totally natural.  After all, I had shared ALL of my reservations about intimacy, and, once again, it seemed to me that he was in complete alignment.

We went to my bedroom, and he started doing work on me.  It felt otherworldly.  I was in heaven.  It was like all of my fears were melting away.

I allowed him to get physical with me…..but….it had been so long since I had been intimate, that it was painful.

We stopped.

We snuggled.

He told me that he understood.

I was grateful.

And then.

Before I knew it, he flipped me over, and rammed himself into me.

My whole being disappeared.

I was in shock.

I couldn’t respond OR react.

All I could think was, how could he do this?

After he finished, he said he had done me a favor since I was basically a “virgin” again.

I couldn’t even speak.

All I could think was that I wanted him to go home.  He read my mind, saying “I know you want me to leave.”  Followed by, “Thanks for letting me finish.”

It took me a while to process.  I’ve always been one that wants everyone to like me.  I’ve always put my needs last.  I’m a product of how I was raised, along with my patterns, karma, Akashic records, and soul contracts.

I felt guilty.  I felt ashamed.  I felt dirty and used.  I blamed myself.  I blamed myself, for not saying no, for having a sensual body, for being attractive, for being intelligent, and for being funny…..all of the characteristics that he found attractive.

I painted.  STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN.

Own Your Truth

They gave me strength.  They brought me messages that it is OKAY to be all of the things that I blamed myself for.  They told me that it was not my fault, and to stop beating myself up.  They also reminded me that this was one of the most powerful lessons of my life, and until I finally understood that listening to my intuition is the most important thing that I could do for myself, that these sort of incidences would continue to happen to me.

I’m not the victim here.  I am the victor.  He is not the enemy, nor do I hate him….on the contrary, I am grateful.  Grateful because I finally got it GUS!   I finally understand.

It will probably take me a while to fully process the whole incident.

So, was it date rape?  I’m not completely sure.  Way too much gray.  The only thing that I am sure of is that I’ve done a powerful shift.  It will take time to integrate the full lesson.

I do know that I am painting these STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN for others who are in the same boat as I am in.  The ones that feel guilty and ashamed.  The empaths.  The sensitive ones.  The ones who are afraid to be all that they are.

Is She Finished, Or a Work In Progress

The victors.

Because, there is no time like the present to finally “get” our lessons.

After all, we have a world to change.

May We Walk Together As One,

Paula

 

Lightworker – How do you know if you ARE one?

Lightworkers

I’ve opened up a whole can of worms with this move.  One of the things that I am doing is reading old journals.  Ten-ish years ago, I consciously said “Bring it on!” to GUS – not having a CLUE what I was about to get myself into….(I highly recommend that if you have any of the following “symptoms” to NOT say bring it on like you know WTF is going to happen – because I assure you – you don’t!! – instead, you might rephrase it as – “I’m willing to do what it is you ask of me, but, with ease and grace!”)

One of my writings that I came across was written very early on on my spiritual journey…I was actually quite surprised that many of them are still pertinent on my path now….they are just deeper.

So….Here it is!!!

 

 

 

How do you know when you have “chosen” to become a Lightworker?

 

  1. You do things that “muggles” see as crazy or you do things you “shouldn’t” do.
  2. You leave relationships because even though they are “easy”, you don’t feel right about not being authentic to your true self.
  3. You start talking to trees, rocks, fairies, angels, etc. AND they “talk” back!
  4. There is a gut reaction to lies – Even if someone says one thing – your “gut” or intuition tells you another. TRUST YOUR INTUITION!
  5. You believe in the goodness of all, even thought you see their dark side.
  6. You are able to forgive (yourself and others) and are able to move on without staying in the past knowing that the other person also has their journey and you don’t feel a need to fix anymore….i.e. – if he/she would just change.  (Ongoing process for me!!!)
  7. You feel a need to simplify your life – spending more time in joy and peace rather than drama and depression. (Also, ongoing!)
  8. You feel a little crazy and yet you know you’ve never been more sane in your life and finally all of the puzzle pieces “fit”, even though you know the puzzle may take years to complete – and every time you find a piece  – you squeal with delight!!!
  9. You finally feel like you are BEing who you came here to BE and stop trying to “make” it happen – trusting that when you are authentic and from integrity in your work, GUS conspires to make it happen.
  10. FINALLY, you see our world as one of tolerance, peace, harmony, love and compassion.

Imagine it – and it is so.

I had no idea when I was writing this, that even today, it would be something that I needed to read.

If you are feeling ANY of these “symptoms” – I want you to know – YOU ARE NOT ALONE – Now, more than ever before, because of the state of the world – there are thousands “waking” up every day.   One of my “jobs” that my guides and angels have made more than abundantly clear – is to share very large parts of my journey.   I came from such a traditional background – married a dentist, raised 2.54 children, had the picket fence, conservative etc etc etc….until I couldn’t do it any more.   I KNEW there was something else out there.   My life fell apart – and I’m slowly putting the puzzle pieces together.  Not trying to “make” them fit, but instead, allowing them to fall into place.  Sometimes it is very slow going, but, sometimes I have those days where I find 20 pieces…

SO WORTH IT!!!!!

Every day is a new beginning.  A chance to follow your path.  I believe, now more than ever, we are here to change the world….hold sacred space…just by following our path.  Not one of us can exist without the other…

May We Walk Together As One

Paula

Is “reality” real?

Big question that friends and I have been throwing around lately. What exactly IS “reality”? According to Wiki this is what “reality” is:  Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.[1] Reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it… Continue Reading

I chose consciousness…

….before I even knew the meaning of the word.  Before I knew what it entailed…   I didn’t just CHOOSE it, I said, “Bring it on!”.  Lord god…. I was so unhappy.  Like, always sick, unhappy.  Like, knowing that there was more to life than what I was experiencing.  Like there was something else out there.… Continue Reading

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