Saying “I do”

Transfiguration (48 x 48)
Transfiguration

Saying “I do” to a spiritual journey is one of the most rewarding and challenging decisions one can ever make.  It opens you up to all of your wounds and patterns that have not served you well, and causes you to look deep within and dig up old “ick” that, quite honestly, is very painful.

Because, doing so, makes you examine closely why you have behaved a certain way in the past to certain triggers, alienating people, hurting people, but ultimately, how you punish yourself for all of your transgressions.

I can see why people choose to stay asleep…It is so much easier (but, NOT as rewarding!!), to continue to cover up and not look at your why’s.

Most of the time I choose to look deeper, I go through self-flagellation.  How could I have been so ________? (You fill in the blank.)  How could I have hurt the ones I love so deeply?

The majority of MY answers go back to my wounding.  What I did to survive as a highly sensitive child and Empath.  My walls and survival techniques were the only way that I knew.  It’s what I was taught.  It’s all I knew.  However, I know that with each step of the journey, I get so much closer to loving myself.  Completely.  Flaws, warts and all.  Which allows me to have compassion and love for others.

Am I always able to show that love and compassion towards others?  Oh, HELL no!   Because, I am the world’s greatest beater upper of myself.

I am learning that most of my suffering has come from my lack of boundaries.  Because I am an Empath and HSP, and because of how I was raised (and I’m guessing a lot of you were raised this way), I did not see the problems that this caused…UNTIL I DID!!!!!

Now, to put into practice what I have and am learning.

Boundary setting is hard.

You will piss people off who are used to being able to walk all over you.  You will lose friends, and in some cases, family members.   You will make mistakes, because this is all new to you.  DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!   Please know that you will make mistakes.  This is all unchartered territory.  Communicate.  Be vulnerable.  Communicate.  Take responsibility. Communicate.  (Have I said that enough?)

I am honored and delighted to be working with (AND, she is a dear, dear friend), someone who is helping me create my own container.  My boundaries.  Brooke Tatum, of Fierce Empath has helped me see how the majority of my triggers, and wounding has come from the lack of boundaries.  Brene Brown talks about it frequently, as does Christiane Northrup.   For those of us who were raised without boundaries – it’s eye opening. And, once your eyes are opened – the lessons and tests will come.   Trust me on this.  People will be taken aback, and wonder why you have changed.  You will question if it is all worth it.  I know I have.  It’s worth it.  I think…  LOL….

I am making mistakes, because this is all new to me….but, being able to say I won’t tolerate this kind of behavior, nor will I listen to you yell at me, is actually kind of empowering.

Please know that you are not alone.

May we walk together as one.

Paula

 

Oh Esperanza

Hope…you have always filled me with Hope…Thus, your name.  I always believed in myself when I was here, but this time is different.   And, yet not.

You healed me in a way I cannot put into words….always teaching me lessons about life.  This time was no different.  I walked into you, and knew it was time to give back to you for all of the healing that you have offered me over the years.

I started by stripping your floors – on my hands and knees for 6 days – four square feet at a time.  Each tile handmade with love – and very very different.   Some wanted to hang onto their old coverings and pain, and some were willing to release and move forward immediately….just like people.   Each one unique in their build, color and look.  Once again, you were teaching me about life.

I’ve been here for almost 10 years now – sometimes only seeing you occasionally, but, always feeling the love emanating from your walls.  I’m not the same person I was when I first laid in your bathtub while my realtor listened to my hopes and dreams.

You orchestrated the perfect morning for me here – the last morning I will be able to call you mine.  Mystery surrounded the mountains and the sky – wind in the pines, the tinkle of rain in the aspens, followed by the intoxicating aroma of the desert after a rain.  You even made sure that it was cold enough to have one last fire.  And, OH, the light….there is nothing like it in the world.

I walked around my yard – lovingly touching each of the pines – Wisdom, Beauty, Love, Courage and Strength and thanking them for protecting me when I couldn’t protect myself.  The hummingbirds flew into my face – acting surprised when I moved.

I honor you for who you are, and what you have done for me.

The future is uncertain for me at this point – and I’m scared.  What will I do when I no longer have you to come back to – to recharge, regroup, and rejuvenate?  I know that whatever is planned for mei will be incredible, and the anticipation is present.

But, today…I’m sad.

I will always be grateful for what you did for me.  What you did WITH me.

Hold the next owners with the same love that you have shown me – because you are a healer.

May we walk together as one.

Paula

Receiving the Messages

It’s been an incredibly enlightening journey to Taos this time.  I’ve been super meditative – stipping 1200 Sq. feet of very stubborn tile can do that. The one clear message I have received is how important it is to be authentically me. In every aspect in my life.  To look at the lessons that are…Continue Reading

Transfiguration

This started as a regular ole post, and when I started writing, I was aware that there was more to say than I thought about this subject…  So, here are my musings for the day. Once you commit to a spiritual path…you will start learning lessons to help you become….well…the best version of you that…Continue Reading

Outside of Her Comfort zone

Strange painting, I know.  But, I felt driven to create it….and then waited patiently for it’s message.  Not all paintings are meant to be masterpieces.   Some are created to push oneself.  To try new techniques and materials.  To go where one has not gone before. And, then it came. The message. GO OUTSIDE OF YOUR…Continue Reading

Messages of Hope
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