A$$hole comment….

Yada, Yada, Yada (24 x 24)….and I knew it.  It hit a deep wound.  And I knew it.  I responded, even though I knew exactly what was going on.  I couldn’t help myself.

I have a new soft shell (I’m a Cancer) that I have recently grown.  I’m vulnerable – hell, we all are – when we are trying on something new and stepping into who we are.  It takes a SHIT TON of courage to do this work.  I’m not just speaking for myself, I’m saying this for all of us!

And, I know anytime that we choose to put our authentic selves out there that it’s risky.  We open ourselves up to criticism, and we know it’s coming, but we do it anyway.  BECAUSE WE HAVE TO.

I can’t speak for others, but, I think I can give a voice to artists…at least those who are going outside of their comfort zone, and being authentic to who they are, and painting what their soul is begging them to paint.

As an artist, what we paint – for the most part – is who we are.  It’s our emotional being on canvas.  It’s our soul expressing itself.  It’s very difficult to separate who we are from what we do.   I think that most artists feel this way.

I have a pretty tough shell when it comes to constructive criticism….like – you need more darks, more contrast, the composition is a bit wonky, etc etc.  I actually welcome CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.  I always open to learning.  As most of us are.

But I am not open to this:  “This painting is awful.  It looks like Dolly Parton on a bad hair day on drugs.”

And then he went on to compare me to James Bama, who is a great, VERY traditional artist, and does not paint in my style at all.   He paints the seen.  I paint the unseen.  The visions, the messages.

There is no comparing.

He couldn’t paint what I paint…but, I can still paint traditionally.

I responded and first of all said – “Thank God, not all of us like the same art. And I’m grateful that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

And then, a reaction, “Didn’t your mother teach you if you couldn’t say anything nice, then say nothing at all?”

He continued….with a lot more condescending rhetoric….that pushed every single button, all my wounding, all my doubts and fears.

Delete and ban.

I’m not sharing this with you for you to get on the “f*** him” bandwagon.

I’m sharing it, because we can choose to allow it to affect us, or we can delete and ban. It happens to all of us who are stepping up and into who we are.  Our intuition is strong.  Our desire to be ourselves is strong.  Our passion about our paths is even stronger.

I don’t know this man…but, I suspect that he is unhappy.  And that is not my problem.  I can choose to let him affect me (and, I have got to admit – it did – a bit more than a bit), or I can know that I am just not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea.

Still learning those never ending lessons….as you know….they keep circling around (and give me GREAT blog fodder!!)

May we walk together as one

Paula

PS…I’ll bet he hates Georgia and Jackson too…#just sayin

 

 

 

Confessions of a (almost former) people pleaser

Angel of Harmony (12 x 12)Lord God…we are all being hit with so much right now.  As if all of the hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, and state of our country isn’t enough, we are being asked to step up and into our authentic powerful god/and goddess selves which translates to….well….chaos….which means big change for so many.

Our lessons are coming at such rapidity, that it is discombobulating at times.  Frequently, they seem to come out of nowhere, kinda like being sucker punched.

One of my big lessons this lifetime is learning how “people pleasing” gets me into trouble.   I’m not talking about helping your neighbors, your friends etc…I’m talking about sacrificing who you are or what you believe in so that people won’t think less of you….that kind of thing.

But, in order to look at it, I’ve had to dig down deep to get to the root of WHY I am a people pleasing/conflict avoiding/passive aggressive/no boundary/hate disappointing people sort of person.

Yikes.

My mom had a rough childhood.  Which carried over into her adult life.  I’m not saying she was Mommie Dearest – at all – but, for a highly sensitive, empathic, Cancer little girl – I felt her unhappiness.  I know she did the best that she could (just like all of us), and part of our soul agreement was for our relationship to be less than ideal.

She was not happy…and I tried to make her happy.  Because, to make her happy, helped ease my empathic heart’s pain.

I am finally able to objectively look at the gifts that came out of it.

I’m able to set boundaries now, knowing that they are essential to my well-being.

I know that not everyone is going to like me, so I’m much better off by just being me.

I realize that not everyone is going to understand why I do the things I do and have chosen the path that I have, and I’m making peace with that.

I am approaching conflict differently – asking questions – and trying like hell to not react, instead trying to respond.

It’s a process, that at times is not very pretty, and you all have seen a lot of my external processing the past couple of weeks.

There is no book that came with any of us that said “If you do it this way – you’ll be golden.” Instead, it’s a constant battle of head and heart looking for answers.

I’m finding that if I am quiet and trust my intuition, 99% of the time – it’s good….or at least better.

Although, people in my outer circle’s opinions don’t affect me (as much), I find that I hate disappointing my inner circle.  Which has led to some uncomfortable interactions for me this week.

Growth isn’t pretty, and it is certainly challenging…I’m wearing new skin now, and trying to get comfortable in it.

So, I’m asking you to remember, in your daily interactions, please be mindful of those around you….for they may be fighting a battle that you are completely unaware of.

Blessings to all of you – I honor your courage and conviction to choose your path with integrity and authenticity….it’s the only way we will see change in this world.

May we walk together as one.

Paula

 

 

I’m wondering why????

This “artistic” mind of mine is always going….seeking….curious…. I never know what I will decide to write and/or paint next.   I listen.  I cuss.  I get into a panic about whether or not I’ll ever paint again.  I worry about whether or not people will like me.   I wonder if people will “get me”.  A…Continue Reading

WTH????

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I chose consciousness…

….before I even knew the meaning of the word.  Before I knew what it entailed…   I didn’t just CHOOSE it, I said, “Bring it on!”.  Lord god…. I was so unhappy.  Like, always sick, unhappy.  Like, knowing that there was more to life than what I was experiencing.  Like there was something else out there.…Continue Reading

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