When do you know that you are in a codependent relationship? When do you know when your almost non-existent boundaries are being crossed? And when, is it all happening because you are an empath?
All questions I have been pondering the past few days.
I’ve been in the most significant learning relationship of my life the past 7 months. The first 5 months were good, fun, and exciting. I was having a great time getting to know him. He’s funny, intelligent, handsome….etc etc.
And then, it happened. Something was said that brought up very, very old wounding from my past. I knew it immediately, and I shut down energetically. Big walls went up. I felt something was off, but wasn’t sure what it was. Was it because he reached that deep down shame core that was buried pretty deep? Or was it because I didn’t feel this relationship was good for me? After all, didn’t I do a sculpture of the two of us over two years ago? Hadn’t we had a couples astrology reading that was GREAT? Didn’t he have many of the qualities that I found appealing in a mate? So, why, did I feel the need to pull back so far and so fast?
My pulling back triggered an old wound in him. A very deep wound. It became a vicious cycle. Every time he pushed me for answers, and I tried to come up with them, another wall went up. Every time my protective walls went up, the more his wound was triggered. It became toxic. I’ve been so used to not having any boundaries, that I had no idea when they were being crossed, and I didn’t know how to explain exactly what I needed. (Codependency – big time).
I continued to communicate. Even after some not so pleasant things happened. But, WHY?
I could feel his pain, and I wanted badly for him to understand why I did what I did. I wanted to fix HIS pain. I wanted everything to be hunky dorey, and it wasn’t. I could see his pain, and my pain, and it was all a blur. Where did one end and the other begin?
Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my intuition. I shoved it under the rug, because of my conditioning, because of my empathic nature. I questioned myself, listening instead, to what he said about what was happening. I doubted how “I” felt. I had no idea who I was. I felt crazy. The boundaries were blurred…
The healthy part of my self-esteem, which was shaky at best, was threatened. I stopped painting my angels and paintings that carry the messages I feel I am supposed to bring in. That’s when I knew there were serious issues.
I know that everything that he said came from his wounding. BUT, I didn’t know how to stop reacting and instead I would respond.
I KNEW I had to figure this one out. I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist. She asked me point blank, several times, “Why do you continue to communicate?”.
Lord God…there it was. It came a few hours after my session, but there it was.
I have a need to be needed, no matter what the interaction, and, if it is a contrary interaction, even better, because, I think, it makes me or allows me to stay in the “I’m not good enough” place. I had been so busy fighting him off energetically and blaming him, that I wasn’t able to take responsibility for my own actions. Because of the walls I had built around ALL OF IT!!! I wasn’t able to get to what was really happening. I was a crab in a shell being poked, and all “I” could do, was occasionally come out with my claws ready for battle.
VERY PAINFUL to face.
This was/is NOT about him. It’s about me. What a gift he gave me.
Space allowed me to feel safe enough to reach in and look at the why….
I had to have space, because my boundary setting is not perfected.
So grateful for such a healing lesson from such a great human.
There IS beauty and healing in the darkness.
I’ve learned to trust my intuition. I’m learning boundaries.
I’m writing, and I’m painting, and that is where my connection to source, god, spirit, or the universe exists….
For that I am grateful.
Blessings,
Paula
