I am addicted to love. The thought of love anyway. I’m not sure I’m addicted to love. Maybe I am. At least the search for love. The thought of love. But, I don’t think I really know what love really is. I don’t think I’ve ever really BEEN IN LOVE. Seriously. I was married for 25 years to a great man…wonderful, intelligent, compassionate…you get the picture. And yet, I was very unhappy. So unhappy, I chose to leave comfort and predictability for the unknown.
It’s been fun…challenging…and eye-opening. Turns out, I don’t think I really know what it is. Love, that is.
Since leaving my almost 25 year marriage….I’ve been on a search. I thought it was for another partner…but it turns out it has been on a search for me. I don’t think this is an unfamiliar story to very many of you. I think so many of us settle for what we think others think is best for us….all the while not being completely happy and wondering – like I did – why am I not happy? After all…I had it all – didn’t I? I had the proverbial 2.54 kids, white picket fence, wonderful husband, house on the golf course, etc etc. AND I WAS UNHAPPY!!! How in the hell could I be unhappy when I had so much? Honestly, Paula! WTF was wrong with you???!!! I had done what I was “supposed” to do. And, I was fucking miserable. Not all of the time. But, there was always an underlying niggling of depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, and unhappiness.
I blamed everyone. I was a roaring, raving bitch from hell. Not all of the time, but frequently.
Since leaving my marriage…if I’m totally honest with myself…I’ve been happier…but not as happy as I know I can or could be. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship looking for “that one” that is going to make me happy. I’ve molded myself like silly putty to fit into their lives, all the while, knowing that I would be settling. And, convincing myself that I could do it.
The last one that I chose to date – broke me wide open. He was almost every single thing on my list. Attractive, professional, spiritual, fun, interesting, liberal, sensual, had a house on the lake facing east (one of my biggest time dreams!), etc etc etc. And, deep inside me, I was a pot getting ready to boil over…more like a pressure cooker getting ready to explode. A situation happened and I couldn’t handle it. I bolted. Big time. Now, that I have had time to look at the situation carefully and explore my actual inner most feelings, I’ve realized that he had almost every single thing on my list (have I stressed that enough?), and the deeper yearning was still there.
Time out. TIME OUT PAULA!!!!
Lawd Gawd child, it is time to stop running. It’s time to turn and face your damn fears.
You don’t HAVE to be with someone to be happy. You DO however have to be HAPPY to be with someone. Period. The end. That’s the key here. THAT IS IT! Self-love is the key to happiness…. not needing anyone to be happy. Just being happy all alone. The rest will fall into place. Honest. I promise you.
That’s my story….and I’m sticking to it.