I recently did some healing work about releasing patterns. Patterns that were no longer serving me, but that had become such second nature, that were my “go to” reactions to situations and people. It was mostly around my relationship with my mother…who gave me one of the greatest gifts anyone could have ever given me. How to love myself. Enter in probably one of the most important people in my life. Second to my mother.
He came in a nice package. He was funny, articulate, adored me, hunky, and sweet. And he cooked. Then, a series of events happened. He moved. A long way away. And with distance came some clarity. I wanted to be loved so much that I was willing to settle for something that didn’t feel quite right. Fear…it can cause anyone to settle.
I realized that I didn’t love myself…I wasn’t quite sure how, but I knew I needed to lay a good foundation before I ever decided or allowed myself to ever be in a really significant relationship.
And, he got defensive. And pissy. And angry. And said some not so nice things. AND, I got angry right back. Yes…that was a pattern. I’m a Cancer, and I either go and hide in my shell, or I come out with my claws.
I knew I needed help to break this pattern. Enter in a marvelous healer…Lisa D’Alessio. It just happens that she is a master of her craft and a magical healer. We did some heavy duty work together…it was magical…it was emotional…it was a key that unlocked something inside of me… Read about it here.
So…I just assumed (you know what “they” say about assuming). I assumed that because he is the one that caused me to seek out the healing, that the relationship would be perfect…or semi-perfect again. Or at the very least fun.
We reconnected again, and were making plans to get together for the holidays. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of L. O. V. E. I thought. Maybe he really was “the one”. I was so willing to not listen to my intuition. Which was throwing up all kinds of red flags.
Danger Will Robinson…danger, danger…proceed with caution.
And then the other shoe dropped. We were talking (texting) and the subject came up whether or not either of us had been “seeing” anyone. He said he hadn’t. I told him I had had a couple of dates. No answer. I didn’t think anything of it, EVEN given the fact that occasionally I felt like I was negotiating a mine field with him. And, we really hadn’t been “together” for about a month. I asked if he might want me to come to see him at his parents the weekend before Christmas. No answer. I sent a selfie…I was having a really good hair and make-up day. No answer.
Gulp…I knew it was coming. AND, I knew I had a choice. My little girl, who was also my protector, starting surfacing. Could I choose to break this pattern of anger? Or go right back into it again?
Here it came. “I appreciate your candor, and no, I don’t want you to come. I’ll get your stuff back to you when I get back. Have a great holiday season.”
I tried to call… I tried to beg and plead. BUT, I did not go to anger. I responded with love and compassion. I told him that I had told him I had gone on a couple of dates, because I felt that honesty was best.
It went downhill from there. Like a slippery slope that you know you may just fall off into the abyss, but you are praying for a branch to hang onto before you go bye-bye.
And the branch magically showed up.
Many realizations showed up as the branch.
Truth of the matter was that I wasn’t really in love with him and who he was this lifetime. I felt a very, very strong connection. A soul connection. I couldn’t differentiate between the two persona’s. And so, I kept going back to him, in spite of my intuition, and the walking through a mine field, thinking he was his soul…his goodness, but, he wasn’t.
That wasn’t the role he was to play in my life this time.
He came in so graciously to teach me a lesson about healing past patterns that were killing me. About how to feel loved (conditional, but love, none-the-less). About my beauty, intelligence, quirkiness, and talent. And, I have offered him the same opportunity for healing, whether he decides to accept or choose to heal, is totally up to him. I have fulfilled my side of the contract. Just like he has fulfilled his side.
I sculpted an angel…An angel with nails as wings… nails that were pointing out rather than in…protecting a really, really BIG heart and soul. After I was finished, I realized it was him. It’s the first angel that was a man. It even looked like him. I knew…no, I KNOW….that he has a wonderful heart and soul, but because of his wounding from his past relationships, he would always protect himself. I knew that even tho I didn’t do to him what his ex did…he looked at it like it was that. And to him it was probably worse.
And so, on this power-filled full moon….I have chosen to release him. In love. Because…
Paula, this is a stunning piece. Heartfelt, soulfelt, and deeply beautiful ♥
Thanks so much love… This is mostly due to you holding sacred space for me.