Tag Archives: allow

Not a cohesive thought in her monkey mind….

BirthdayinParisfinishedEver have one of “those” days?   Those bleh days that nothing seems to be going right and then spirals down into the pit of nothingness until you feel like you may never, ever be able to claw your way back up out of the abyss?  And no matter how hard you try,  you know you are going down for the count?   The kind of day….well, you get the picture.

I’ve dealt, on and off, with depression for the majority of my life.   It has gotten much better in the past few years, and I rarely spiral down that far any more.   But, yesterday was an exception.   I could feel it coming on.  And for a change, I didn’t fight it.   I allowed it.   I let it wash over me like the tidal wave I knew it would be.   I wallered.  In my baby pity party.   I went to bed, and cried.   (Love my bed. I’m a Cancer, and my bed is like coming home for me!)

And then I witnessed the most incredible conversation in my whole life.    I was an observer to this bizarre conversation between my “monkey mind” (MM)… and, my “Higher-self”.  (HS).

HS – What are ya doing in bed?

MM – Oh Damn! I KNEW you were gonna come in.  That’s why I came to bed…to try to avoid you and your damn cheery self!

HS – So, why are you here?

MM – Cuz, I’m a failure. I’ll never amount to anything…yada yada yada…   You know the story.

HS – No…I DON’T!  The story I KNOW is that you are incredibly talented, and you have always said that you KNOW you are going to “make it” as an artist.

MM – Well, I’m changing my story.   Come on…  let me waller!

HS – Nope…..it’s time to change THAT story as well.

MM – Well, SHIT!

HS – If you say so.   You know that this is just a VERY, VERY temporary situation.  That sometimes it has to happen to provide contrast. So you know how you WANT to feel.

MM – But, I know, I’m just existing…and don’t have any reason to be here.

HS – THAT IS CRAP!!! AND YOU KNOW IT!  You have enough tools now in your magicians bag to pull anything out at any moment to use to help you when you get like this.

MM – Oh yeah – I guess I do.

HS – Of course you do.  You’ve got this you know…  You are talented, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, sexy, happy, filled with love and laughter.

MM – Somedays I wonder.

HS – Of course you do ….again…  AND, if you really feel like you need to stay in bed and cry and waller in your pity party, that is totally your prerogative.

MM – Can I have 5?

HS – I’ll give you 5….and then it is totally your choice what happens next.

MM – Okay, done.

HS – Already?

MM – Yup…  I have things to write about – people to tell how much I love them – and a painting that is begging to be painted.

HS – I knew I could talk sense into you.

MM – Bitch…

HS – hey….

MM – Sorry. It was meant with love.

HS – Haha…right.

And poof….as fast as it had started it was gone.   Just like that.   I was an observer.   I was stuck in the middle.  Which is where I belong. I observed that I was two people.   I was light and I was dark.   The perfect blend of up and down, right and left, right and wrong.  Yin and Yang.   I saw it…I experienced it.   I KNOW it.

And I painted…A wonderful painting.  A happy, joyful painting…

With seeds in it…   Seeds of hope…

So blessed –




Nectar of the Gods
Nectar of the Gods

When one gets quiet and listens – really listens – the most AMAZING gifts come in. I have been one, for the majority of my life to NOT listen. The one who tries to control everything. The one who tells everyone what to get for me for Christmas, etc etc. I’ll never forget the most wonderful Christmas EVER, when my ex-husband picked up on something that I had said that I wanted and – viòla! it was there on Christmas morning. That year I was busy with babies. My brain was mushy with dirty diapers and leaking breasts! It was a lesson for me… one that took me almost 20 more years to realize.

And so….fast forward….to today. I am working with an amazing coach to help me “see” the last few bits of the “old me” that I need to lovingly release and cleanse myself of so that I can move forward and do exactly what it is I am here to do.

She asks us to tell her what we want to work on in our sessions, and very clearly, I heard….”let it be spirit driven”…and so it was. The messages were mind boggling as well as a tad overwhelming as I thought I had completely let go of some of the self-loathing, anger, people pleasing issues that had plagued me the majority of my life.

I push myself very hard, as an artist to “produce” – being very proud of my “numbers”. My traditional upbringing, doesn’t coalesce too terribly well with who an artist truly is. I have not been able to just surrender and allow myself to BE an artist.

And, heading to France made me feel EXTRA guilty because I was taking so much time off – but am I really?

The most amazing conversation unfolded. It was exactly what needed to happen at that very moment. Surrendering to spirit and allowing the messages to come in.

And in she came….the most beautiful hummingbird – she came to the window and hovered…going back and forth until I told my coach what was happening.

We looked up the meaning of a hummingbird.

“If the hummingbird shows up in your life as a spirit animal, it may remind you to enjoy life’s simple pleasures and take time to enjoy yourself. The hummingbird’s wisdom carries an invitation to take part in and draw to you life’s sweetness, like you would drink the nectar of your own flower.”

Everything we talked about….confirmed by spirit.

Notice what you notice….the messages are there….they may come through from others, and they may come from animals….but they are there.

Much love.

Magic, just pure Magic

I had a marvelous weekend.   I just surrendered and allowed.  And it was magic, just pure magic.  And wonder, and grace and all of those phrases, and yet, describing the weekend with words makes it something that it was not. I spent Saturday with friends.  Talking and discussing the world, and events that we feel… Continue Reading

She’s Testing Her Wings

  She’s Testing Her Wings – and getting ready to fly. After some serious time off from….well….almost everything….life, people, etc. etc.,  and some intense soul-searching (and soul retrieval), I am back.   Slowly, but surely.  Major changes in my life and lots of lessons learned.   It’s all good – kind of like eating an artichoke.  The… Continue Reading

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