Tag Archives: anxiety

Something BIG is coming

Lots of Hope (24 x 24)
Lots of Hope

I know something big is coming.

I’m like a cat on a hot tin roof…..or a……whore in church.

I can’t relax.

I’m pacing.

I want to tear my hair out.

Fingernails too.

I’m not comfy in my body, and I want to get out.   I know it will pass, but I want to capture the feeling that is here NOW.

The anxiety.

When I used to get like this, all I could think about was checking out and how much more peaceful it would be….that was of course BEFORE I knew that if you DO succeed in checking yourself out that you get to come back and repeat that lesson.   Not happening….just sayin’.

Much easier to get through it now…..after all, I am pretty sure I am on the other side of the middle of my life.   So, THAT is growth. AND, I CAN see that the other side will be so much brighter….which is comforting….but, not happening soon enough.

Fifteen minutes of pacing….moving one thing to another place and back again. A bit of mindless cleaning. My bathrooms have never been cleaner. (Yes, the stools also!!)

You know, something about writing it down, has helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel even clearer.   Yes, the feeling of change coming is still there. But, there is something else starting to niggle at the back of my neck.

What if this is the way it’s supposed to be?   What if one part of this lesson is about truly trusting my own intuition.   My own. No one else’s. Mine. I’m good about trusting my intuition when I’m in certain circumstances, but frequently, I can’t see my own forest for my trees…ya know???!!!

I’m in the dead center of my second Saturn Return – Happens only every 30 years, and it’s a chance to break old patterns. The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. A chance to move forward without baggage. If it doesn’t happen now, then I have 30 more years of being hit in the head with 2 x 4’s trying to learn the lesson, but without the assistance of Saturn. I don’t know about you, but, my self-demeaning, self-demoralizing, and just not feeling good enough days have got to end.

It’s time.

It’s painful.

I’m having to look at shit that I really DO know that I have, but, have stuffed down rather deep.

The IChing says: chaos is another name for opportunity. Right now, I want to scream “BULL SHIT!”, but, I know it’s true.

Listening to the doubts of my Monkey Mind (with the assistance of Saturn) is bringing on the breakdown before the breakthrough.

So yeah, I guess a big change is coming. One that I have needed for a long time. (Oh – about 60 years is all.) I know that things work out exactly as they are supposed to….and actually, now, towards the end of my blog, I can say that I am rather excited. How wonderful to finally shed that which is no longer needed, nor serves me well.

Time to fully step into who I am.

I am a quirky, eclectic, visionary intuitive artist, and author. I live to paint and write the visions and messages I receive, and consider it an honor to be able to do so without too much hesitation (THAT is one of the things I am working on – fully stepping into “why” I am here!)

I love my children, son in law and grandson with a fierceness that I couldn’t understand until now.

I am blessed beyond words, and this too shall pass.







Thoughts about “being” authentic

Unaware of her powerI wrote my last blog on Dec. 23rd…2013 (not 2012…although it feels like years since I have written ANYTHING!).  I shared with all of you about my “coming out spiritually”, and how scary it was…or is for me.  BUT, (and it’s a big one), since then my life has become even MORE magical.  Because I have chosen to step into me.

It hasn’t been easy….in fact….it has caused quite a bit of anxiety.  Numerous reasons for the anxiety, but the main one. “Will everyone like what I am doing? Or will they just think I am crazy?”

As someone who has always relied on others decide how to feel about myself – this has been a huge hurdle.  One I have knocked over several times rather than clearing it.

So, I’ve done what several do who are in this position do…I’ve asked for guidance.   Guidance, clarity, and confirmation.  In words that others might use…I have prayed.  And the answers have come fast and furious.   From the angels or Beings themselves.   In the form of my intuition and messages that come in at unexpected times.

The first message was….” We don’t have to ‘look’ like what anyone else has done, because we are coming through YOU, Paula.  We chose you to create us.  Yes, there are others that create some like us, but you are the one we chose specifically to create US!”   Wow…hmmmm…..ummmmm….the doubt was still there.  But there was less.

The second was during a workshop with Jeanne Bessette when, during our critiquing session, Jeanne chose to play some music…music that could not have been more spirit driven.  It totally had the “essence” of the Beings that I am creating.  It was powerful music, filling the room with an intensity that could not be described.   I’m not sure if there was a dry eye in the room.  I KNEW they were present because I could feel them.

The third BIG ONE…was when I asked (prayed) for a sign that they were with me.   I went to my card deck that I had purchased from Jeanne…and drew Hope.  Hope…Anticipated Hope…Which is why I am here….  Holy Hells Bells Batman!

I have stated many many times since “waking up” that my spiritual path and growth is the most important thing in the world to me.  Stepping into, and having the courage to do what it is I have come here to do this lifetime, in spite of what others “may” think about me, is a priority to me.   I am devoted to being the best “lightworker” I can be.  If that means being uncomfortable, then so be it. I have to do it in an authentic manner for me.   Sometimes, that means, I’ll lose friends…but that makes way for new ones.  Sometimes, it means that people won’t like me because of my beliefs, or….better yet, they will think I am crazier than a loon.   But, they will remember me, and perhaps someday, they will understand, or a lightbulb will go on and they will know why I have done what I did.

I do this because I have to.

Every time I try to do what I am doing just for the income, it backfires.  EVERY TIME!

And, so…it’s time for the free fall…I have a feeling….it’s gonna be the ride of my life!

Time for trust, authenticity, and for Hope…that my wings grow and I soar.

Much Love,


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