Tag Archives: boundaries

Conflict, Boundaries and Guilt

Be Someone's Light (24 x 24)God, I used to hate conflict…boundary was not in my vocabulary….and NO ONE was better at guilting themselves than I was.  I was the Queen.

But, something happened this last year on my journey.   I kept attracting the same sort of people.  Victim-ish and vampirish.  AND, as you know, that means there were lessons there, once I became aware.  Mirror lessons.  Painful (but much needed) to see when I knew that I had exhibited that sort of behavior.

When I initially became aware of why the victim behavior affected me so much – I took it upon myself to write an insightful email to a friend who showed the same signs that I had – gently and carefully pointing out that I saw in her the same way of self-sabotaging herself that I had done in the past.  I loved her, a lot, and did not want to completely disengage from our relationship – which would have been the way I would have handled it in the past.

I set a gentle boundary – something that was very uncomfortable for me to do – after having grown up in a family where boundary was a four letter word.

I did it because her behavior made me uneasy when I realized it was a deep pattern of mine – and I couldn’t stomach being faced with my own darkness.

It was essential that I started owning my own shit, so I started working with someone who could help me change those patterns.

Fast forward a few months…

Rinse and repeat.

Again.

and

Again.

This time, the boundary was not so gentle.

I saw my darkness clearly, and needed distance, to not allow myself to fall back into that old way of thinking and interacting.

When one sets boundaries, there seems to be a bit of guilt (old patterning) attached to it.  As well as gaslighting oneself.  I went back and read all of my old emails to see if there was any “mean” in them.  Nope – only love and compassion – something that I would have like to have received from someone to help me in my past.

The final straw came….and a decision had to made.  Did I love myself enough to cut the person out of my life to protect my newly forming patterns?

Oh Lord – talk about a difficult decision.

Yes….was the intuitive answer.

I felt good.  Amazing, actually.

Enter in monkey mind with old programming.

I started feeling guilty….and when I worked through that, and the guilt left….I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.

It’s ok to put up boundaries, and take care of oneself.

In fact, it is essential.

Repeat after me

BOUNDARIES ARE A GOOD THING!

We are taught that they are bad.  We are taught to allow others to walk all over us.  Women, especially, are taught to be nice.  Don’t speak up.  Be the good girl.

But, I have to tell you….I do feel good…a bit sad for the loss of the friendship….but, pretty good overall.

May we walk together as one.

Paula

I failed.

May We Walk Together As One

Yesterday morning was tough on me.  I went into a “Why can’t you seem to do anything right” spot.  I went to a party the night before, and got completely overwhelmed.  LOTS of people in a very small space.  Some I knew well.  Some I knew as an acquaintance.  But, most I didn’t know at all.

An Empath nightmare.

I stayed two hours.  (an hour longer than I really wanted to.)

And, then I bolted.

Didn’t say goodbye to a single soul.

So out of character for me and totally against how I was raised.

I just could not breathe and got a tad panicky.

Totally beat myself up the next morning.

In addition, I had to do some heavy duty boundary setting with three separate people….something that I am not yet completely comfortable with, but, gaining strength.  And, seeing how much lack of boundaries has led to my victim mentality.

Ten lashes, Paula.

The voice inside my head said – “You are such a loser.  Who are you to tell someone what is, and what isn’t acceptable to you?  Why should you expect someone to do as they promise?  Who are you to tell someone that you don’t want to listen to them go on ad nauseum about how great they are?  What makes you think that it’s ok to say no to someone when they tell you what to do?”

I went to a yoga class with a friend, in spite of my wanting to hermit inside of Agnes.

It was just what I needed.

And then this from a friend who does human design readings – “Open Heart Mantra: I do not have to prove anything to anyone, including myself.”

And then, the best part of all – an evening with a friend who lives in my old “hood” in Taos – a rambling walk on the Mesa, walking by my old home, followed by a great healthy meal, ceremonial songs, metaphysical discussions, and breathtaking sunset.

WTF, Paula Jean????

You did NOT fail at all.  In fact, you passed with flying colors.  You are just not used to this new way of thinking and being.   You weren’t taught to take care of yourself and to set boundaries.  You were taught to be the good girl and make everyone happy, even at your own expense. You have had this perverse way of thinking that everyone needs to like you.  It’s a new way of “being” for you, and so, just like when you exercise for the first time in a long time and your muscles are sore, so too when you try out new ways of being, you are going to have sore and tender “muscles”.

Ahhhhhhhh…..there is the lesson.

We are all shifting and changing at such a rapid rate right now, that sometimes we don’t know which way is up.  We question ourselves.  Some of us beat ourselves up – better than anyone else can.  It’s a new way of “being”.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s foreign.

But, it’s necessary.

Be gentle on yourself.  These are unchartered waters for most of us.

Be gentle on others.  Again, these are unchartered waters.

Lord God, if we can’t love, forgive and have compassion for ourselves, how can we have it for others? (Think about that!!!)

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

 

 

Saying “I do”

Saying “I do” to a spiritual journey is one of the most rewarding and challenging decisions one can ever make.  It opens you up to all of your wounds and patterns that have not served you well, and causes you to look deep within and dig up old “ick” that, quite honestly, is very painful.… Continue Reading

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