God, I used to hate conflict…boundary was not in my vocabulary….and NO ONE was better at guilting themselves than I was. I was the Queen.
But, something happened this last year on my journey. I kept attracting the same sort of people. Victim-ish and vampirish. AND, as you know, that means there were lessons there, once I became aware. Mirror lessons. Painful (but much needed) to see when I knew that I had exhibited that sort of behavior.
When I initially became aware of why the victim behavior affected me so much – I took it upon myself to write an insightful email to a friend who showed the same signs that I had – gently and carefully pointing out that I saw in her the same way of self-sabotaging herself that I had done in the past. I loved her, a lot, and did not want to completely disengage from our relationship – which would have been the way I would have handled it in the past.
I set a gentle boundary – something that was very uncomfortable for me to do – after having grown up in a family where boundary was a four letter word.
I did it because her behavior made me uneasy when I realized it was a deep pattern of mine – and I couldn’t stomach being faced with my own darkness.
It was essential that I started owning my own shit, so I started working with someone who could help me change those patterns.
Fast forward a few months…
Rinse and repeat.
Again.
and
Again.
This time, the boundary was not so gentle.
I saw my darkness clearly, and needed distance, to not allow myself to fall back into that old way of thinking and interacting.
When one sets boundaries, there seems to be a bit of guilt (old patterning) attached to it. As well as gaslighting oneself. I went back and read all of my old emails to see if there was any “mean” in them. Nope – only love and compassion – something that I would have like to have received from someone to help me in my past.
The final straw came….and a decision had to made. Did I love myself enough to cut the person out of my life to protect my newly forming patterns?
Oh Lord – talk about a difficult decision.
Yes….was the intuitive answer.
I felt good. Amazing, actually.
Enter in monkey mind with old programming.
I started feeling guilty….and when I worked through that, and the guilt left….I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
It’s ok to put up boundaries, and take care of oneself.
In fact, it is essential.
Repeat after me
BOUNDARIES ARE A GOOD THING!
We are taught that they are bad. We are taught to allow others to walk all over us. Women, especially, are taught to be nice. Don’t speak up. Be the good girl.
But, I have to tell you….I do feel good…a bit sad for the loss of the friendship….but, pretty good overall.
May we walk together as one.
Paula
