What happens when one decides that she has the balls to go on a journey of a lifetime? Well….first thing….they (me) crack wide open. Like WAAAAAYYY deep.
And “things” start coming up. Like “things” that you realize don’t belong in your life. It’s scary, and exhilarating all at the same time…. I painted, which is my way of processing emotion.
I was having a particularly “bad” (and I put it into quotes, because NO day is truly “bad”, just your minds way of processing) day. I was totally conflicted and decided to paint. The painting that I did reflected that.
It was how conflict and despair “felt” to me. How it looked. How it was. How “I” was.
I wondered why I was so conflicted. Wasn’t I lucky beyond words to be able to go on this journey? yes. Didn’t I ask for things to be “shown” to me? duh….the whole reason for the journey. Hadn’t I been asking for clarity? yeah – but I didn’t expect to see some of the things I saw.
Heavens to Betsy.
Be careful what you ask for…..I’m just sayin’!
And – I turned the painting over. I was using ink and paper which is something I had never tried.
Here it was! The answer. Resolution. A completely different painting on the other side. The light AND the dark on one sheet of paper. It was in ME all the time.
Whoa! I know it seems like a small AHA…and that many of you KNOW this, but, OMG…what a revelation!!! Totally unexpected, and yet, such a power-filled lesson.
I had been asking to find a new technique…a new way of expressing my emotions….a unique way to show everyone what I had learned.
And here it was.
There is light, and there is dark inside of all of us. We shy from the dark because we are taught it is “bad”. We are taught to put on our big girl panties and stuff all of that emotion way down deep. But, let me tell you…when you do that the majority of your life….it’s ugly when it comes out. REALLY UGLY! AND SCARY. Years upon years of stuffing. Years upon years of being told you don’t feel that way. Years upon years of passive aggressive behavior. Oh yeah – it was ugly and hard to look at, but so freeing.
The better way is to be allowed to process. At least for me. To allow myself to truly FEEL my emotions and then learn the lesson that they are here to teach me.
Not one person has YOUR answers. They may think they do, and they may tell you all of the reasons that you need to work with them, and how it will help you OH SO MUCH!
But, one of my biggest lessons was truly to know that only I have MY answers.
YAY!! About frickin time!!
Blessings on YOUR journey,
PS….now I have to find a unique way to frame this lesson-teaching masterpiece.
Remember….you have wings to fly!