Category Archives: Artistic Musings

Not even my family, nor my closest friends know….

Lean on me

…..the extent of my depression.  Because, I cover it up.  Sometimes, I cover it up well, sometimes, not so much.  It’s debilitating at times, and at other times, it’s manageable.  But, it is always present.  Even as a small child, and young adult, I remember wanting to not be here.  Lately, though, it has been worse.  I wake up in a panic.  My anxiety is through the roof.

Perhaps it is because I am so highly sensitive and an empath…perhaps it is familial…it could be the Lyme disease….or  maybe it is something that I don’t even know about yet.  I don’t know.  I just know that it is always there….like I have to walk this fine line of wanting to scream, cry, or hide.

I used to play the victim….blaming others.  Some would say that it is, “my cross to bear.”  I’m choosing, however, to look at it as a lesson….I obviously choose this….and I need to learn how to get a handle on it.  Because, some days just getting out of bed is the very best that I can do.

Baby steps towards change – my eating habits are slowly changing.  I am making a conscious effort to stop the negative self talk.  I celebrate my good days.  I look at how far I have come, rather than how far I need to go.  But, I think the most important thing that I am doing right now is allowing myself to examine it.

I’ve always been afraid to face this “demon” head on….because, depression is just not something that is talked about…and when someone shares about their depression (depending upon, of course, who they choose to share it with), it is met with…”Just think positive thoughts”.  “Oh, it’s just a phase.”  or….my favorite….”Just get over it.”  I’m here to tell you – that doesn’t work.

Yes, I know that I am blessed.  Yes, I know I have a gift.  Yes, I know it could be worse, that I could be a starving child somewhere….but, on days like today….all that does, is make me spiral more.

Because, why, if I have so many blessings, do I feel the way I feel?

I am highly determined, though, to learn what to do on these days.  I do know that they don’t last forever, and for that I am grateful.  I do know, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  I also realize, that every time I am getting ready to uplevel, that I go through this, and there must be a huge gigantic change coming.  Always darkest before the dawn….so they say.

Maybe, I’m choosing to write this today, to help others.  I really don’t know, but my guides were extremely insistent that I write….AND PUBLISH!!!

Painting today saved me.  Creating this angel made me feel not so alone.  Her message to me came in strong and clear while writing this:  “Lean on me. I’m always here. You are never alone. I’m one of thousands you can call upon on your dark days.  That’s why we are here.  Please, please, PLEASE….lean on me.  Ask for guidance.  Be quiet.  Your answers are there in the spaces in between.  Reach out.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You aren’t a burden, child…you are a gift.”

All I can say right now, is WOW….  She also wants me to remind those of you who have days like today, to reach out to YOUR guides….and, cut yourself a bit of slack, just like you would for your friends…..or your children…..

Now, I know why they were insistent about writing while I was feeling this way….

May We Walk Together As One.

Much love,

Paula

What is a “Mentor”?

#don’tletthewingsfoolyou

A “mentor” or mentoring is described as: Mentoring consists of a long-term relationship focused on supporting the growth and development of the mentee. The mentor becomes a source of wisdom, teaching, and support, but not someone who observes and advises on specific actions or behavioral changes in daily work.

Notice I put “mentor” in quotes….Something came up for me yesterday and this past week that I hadn’t completely dealt with yet.

Scenario One:  A very talented, self-taught, soulful artist posted something on Facebook sharing her story about hiring a mentor….and how this said “mentor” proceeded to rip apart her gift of capturing critters.  THIS IS HER SOUL PEEPS.  This is her GIFT!!!  This artist doesn’t need me to fight her battles, she is perfectly capable of doing this on her own, and also, perfectly capable of working through it on her own, but it brought up a lot for me.

How dare this person (the so called “mentor”) say this to this fairly new, but, extremely gifted artist?  I suspect it was fear, or bullying, or a bit of both.  I only pray that the one thing that this artist, now, truly sees what her gift is.

Scenario Two:  A very well established and equally gifted artist shared her story about being bullied and black balled by another artist, and she ruminated on it for two years, and watched the effects of the blackballing….She is now stronger than ever, and making her story known.

WTF??

What makes people do these things?

Fear I suspect.

Fear that there is not enough of the pie to go around.

Insecurity?

Maybe.

And now, it’s time for my story.

Mine happened five-ish years ago.  This “mentor” of mine still scares the crap out of me.  She is my demon to face.  I spent a hefty amount to study technique with this artist…instead…there was a bunch of head things that went on…and being the insecure little being that I was at the time, I did it again…I spent more to be beat down again.

And then, I sat back and watched.

I watched her bully people in her group.

And, I made the mistake of sharing with a woman that I was working with about the situation.  Unfortunately, she felt the need to share with another artist who was working with this mentor…

All hell broke loose.

I started receiving scathing emails from my “mentor”.

She assured me that she hadn’t shared with anyone other than her mentor.

But, I knew differently, because I received phone calls and messages from those who studied with her telling me that she said horrid things about me in her classes.

I retreated.  Went into my shell.

I’m not perfect, nor am I blameless.

But, it has taken me five-ish years to share my story.

I wanted to be liked.  I wanted to attach myself to her wagon.

Until I realized that the emperor had no clothes….

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy.

I’ve realized that we all have wounding that makes us who we are.   I suspect that these people never felt appreciated or loved as children, and they haven’t dealt with these wounds, which comes out when we get older.  Bullying people, becoming narcissistic, projecting their crap onto others.  Hiding behind a facade of “I’m great, but, inside I’m a freaking mess, and I will do my best to not let you see it.”

I’ve hidden a lot over the past few years because of this, and become “less-than” because of my fear of not being enough.

I’m reclaiming my power.  Painting/creating what I choose – when I choose.  Regardless of other’s opinions.  Oh yes, they will still affect me, however, I can see the reasons why these sort of things happen more often than not.

This latest series #dontletthewingsfoolyou, represents just that.  Me….reclaiming my power.

I have to be totally transparent here….when I started this blog, I was pissed.  Pissed because others don’t see.  All of that old festering wound was poked and it all came flooding out…yucky, gross, ugly puss that builds up when you don’t treat the wound properly when it occurs.

Now, I find, my compassion for these people has been raised up ten-fold.  Everyone serves a purpose in our lives. “They” say, some by coming, and some by going….LOL!!!

WOW…

Writing always helps me process, I just didn’t realize how much.

Blessings to all of you.

May We Walk Together As One….because, trust me, we are!!

Paula

 

Trust YOUR intuition (and while you’re at it stop listening to your DAMN ego!)

I have two very vulnerable stories about not trusting MY intuition, (instead accepting someone else’s!), and listening to my ego… A very large portion of artists’ DREAM of being in galleries. I’ve been no exception. Which has led me to lesson learning. LESSON ONE Three years ago I was contacted by a gallery in England. … Continue Reading

About Paula
Raven Shaman