Not even my family, nor my closest friends know….

Lean on me

…..the extent of my depression.  Because, I cover it up.  Sometimes, I cover it up well, sometimes, not so much.  It’s debilitating at times, and at other times, it’s manageable.  But, it is always present.  Even as a small child, and young adult, I remember wanting to not be here.  Lately, though, it has been worse.  I wake up in a panic.  My anxiety is through the roof.

Perhaps it is because I am so highly sensitive and an empath…perhaps it is familial…it could be the Lyme disease….or  maybe it is something that I don’t even know about yet.  I don’t know.  I just know that it is always there….like I have to walk this fine line of wanting to scream, cry, or hide.

I used to play the victim….blaming others.  Some would say that it is, “my cross to bear.”  I’m choosing, however, to look at it as a lesson….I obviously choose this….and I need to learn how to get a handle on it.  Because, some days just getting out of bed is the very best that I can do.

Baby steps towards change – my eating habits are slowly changing.  I am making a conscious effort to stop the negative self talk.  I celebrate my good days.  I look at how far I have come, rather than how far I need to go.  But, I think the most important thing that I am doing right now is allowing myself to examine it.

I’ve always been afraid to face this “demon” head on….because, depression is just not something that is talked about…and when someone shares about their depression (depending upon, of course, who they choose to share it with), it is met with…”Just think positive thoughts”.  “Oh, it’s just a phase.”  or….my favorite….”Just get over it.”  I’m here to tell you – that doesn’t work.

Yes, I know that I am blessed.  Yes, I know I have a gift.  Yes, I know it could be worse, that I could be a starving child somewhere….but, on days like today….all that does, is make me spiral more.

Because, why, if I have so many blessings, do I feel the way I feel?

I am highly determined, though, to learn what to do on these days.  I do know that they don’t last forever, and for that I am grateful.  I do know, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  I also realize, that every time I am getting ready to uplevel, that I go through this, and there must be a huge gigantic change coming.  Always darkest before the dawn….so they say.

Maybe, I’m choosing to write this today, to help others.  I really don’t know, but my guides were extremely insistent that I write….AND PUBLISH!!!

Painting today saved me.  Creating this angel made me feel not so alone.  Her message to me came in strong and clear while writing this:  “Lean on me. I’m always here. You are never alone. I’m one of thousands you can call upon on your dark days.  That’s why we are here.  Please, please, PLEASE….lean on me.  Ask for guidance.  Be quiet.  Your answers are there in the spaces in between.  Reach out.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You aren’t a burden, child…you are a gift.”

All I can say right now, is WOW….  She also wants me to remind those of you who have days like today, to reach out to YOUR guides….and, cut yourself a bit of slack, just like you would for your friends…..or your children…..

Now, I know why they were insistent about writing while I was feeling this way….

May We Walk Together As One.

Much love,


15 Responses to Not even my family, nor my closest friends know….

  1. What a heartfelt, inspiring article Paula. You are not alone but that doesn’t help in our deepest, darkest nightmares. Just always love yourself. For you are truly special.
    Carol in Jamul, CA

  2. Thank you for sharing so openly. I do encourage you to read up on the gut-brain connection concerning anxiety and depression. Many blessings

  3. You are such an inspiration Paula, and you are right, no one can know how YOU truly feel.
    We have to walk in another’s shoes to fully understand and then it is different for all of us that go through this.
    May you be truly blessed in all you do and may your guides continue youbto encouragecothers.
    Sending you healing hugs .

  4. Thank you for this. LOM is beautiful and oh-so wise. Her message is timely- I need all the reminders I can get to be gentle with myself. Thanks!

  5. Wow, indeed! Glad you are listening and sharing with the world, and choosing to stay here. Your art and your words make the world a better place. Since we really are all one, I agree…”May we walk together as one.”

  6. Depression is a monster. Those of us who have had the feelings you are undergoing truly understand where you are and the pressures feel. It is imperative that you have a professional, objective listener to share your thoughts within a safe environment. Call a community services center or free clinic and ask for a referral to a psychologist for an evaluation as soon as possible. When you begin to talk about the “monster,” the cloud will lift and you will begin to see all that life has to offer and how you can use your special gifts in even more wonderful ways. Then you will have the strength to stand up to the toxic people in your life and go forward in a positive direction entirely under your control, rather than under the control of others who do not (or do not want)to understand) you and your life choices. Trust yourself. Trust your angel and guide. You are here with us for a good reason.

    • Thank you…. I am working with a physician and also a therapist… I just want people to know that they are not alone… I truly appreciate you

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