Category Archives: Spiritual Aha

What is date rape? (Warning: Graphic Content)

Fully Exposed
Fully Exposed

I met someone.  It’s always been a joke between my friends and I that the only way that I am going to meet someone is at the grocery store or Walmart.  This one actually came to my house and purchased something that I had for sale.

He was so much of what I had envisioned myself ending up with, that it was uncanny.  There were few reservations.  I shared a lot about why I had so many intimacy issues, and he appeared to be super sensitive to my wanting to get to know him, before diving into being intimate.  I was surprised at how easy it was to set so many boundaries with him.

He was brilliant, incredibly spiritual, dorky, and made me laugh.  His ability to read my thoughts as I was thinking them was astonishing.  Time and time again, before I could even verbalize, he knew what I was going to say.  Frequently, I didn’t even HAVE to speak, and he would just KNOW what was going on in my mind.

I most definitely was starting to consider this relationship as long term.  Check, check, check.  It all seemed to be on my list.  I was even starting to feel that this was a man that I could work through my intimacy issues, and, eventually have a totally loving relationship with.  However, looking back on it, and through my processing, I realized that I had niggles of it not being quite right.  He was pushy, and I kept putting up boundaries.

He wanted to do energy work on me, which felt totally natural.  After all, I had shared ALL of my reservations about intimacy, and, once again, it seemed to me that he was in complete alignment.

We went to my bedroom, and he started doing work on me.  It felt otherworldly.  I was in heaven.  It was like all of my fears were melting away.

I allowed him to get physical with me…..but….it had been so long since I had been intimate, that it was painful.

We stopped.

We snuggled.

He told me that he understood.

I was grateful.

And then.

Before I knew it, he flipped me over, and rammed himself into me.

My whole being disappeared.

I was in shock.

I couldn’t respond OR react.

All I could think was, how could he do this?

After he finished, he said he had done me a favor since I was basically a “virgin” again.

I couldn’t even speak.

All I could think was that I wanted him to go home.  He read my mind, saying “I know you want me to leave.”  Followed by, “Thanks for letting me finish.”

It took me a while to process.  I’ve always been one that wants everyone to like me.  I’ve always put my needs last.  I’m a product of how I was raised, along with my patterns, karma, Akashic records, and soul contracts.

I felt guilty.  I felt ashamed.  I felt dirty and used.  I blamed myself.  I blamed myself, for not saying no, for having a sensual body, for being attractive, for being intelligent, and for being funny…..all of the characteristics that he found attractive.

I painted.  STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN.

Own Your Truth

They gave me strength.  They brought me messages that it is OKAY to be all of the things that I blamed myself for.  They told me that it was not my fault, and to stop beating myself up.  They also reminded me that this was one of the most powerful lessons of my life, and until I finally understood that listening to my intuition is the most important things that I could do for myself, that these sort of incidences would continue to happen to me.

I’m not the victim here.  I am the victor.  He is not the enemy, nor do I hate him….on the contrary, I am grateful.  Grateful because I finally got it GUS!   I finally understand.

It will probably take me a while to fully process the whole incident.

So, was it date rape?  I’m not completely sure.  Way too much gray.  The only thing that I am sure of is that I’ve done a powerful shift.  It will take time to integrate the full lesson.

I do know that I am painting these STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN for others who are in the same boat as I am in.  The ones that feel guilty and ashamed.  The empaths.  The sensitive ones.  The ones who are afraid to be all that they are.

Is She Finished, Or a Work In Progress

The victors.

Because, there is no time like the present to finally “get” our lessons.

After all, we have a world to change.

May We Walk Together As One,

Paula

 

It’s a Wonderful (and Magical) Life

Do you want to hear a MAGICAL story?  I love sharing stories that are full of divine intervention from GUS (God, Universe, Spirit).

I’ve realized that I need to start putting myself “out there” more, as I am truly an introvert, and prefer my pj’s to clothes and slippers to shoes….don’t even get me started on wearing a bra!!!

I have made an amazing new friend who is an incredibly talented floral artist (not designer – but a true floral artist!), who is so much like me it is almost uncanny.   Putting herself “out there” is equally as hard for her.  She called me the other day and asked me if I might want to go to a Kiss the Pig event to raise money for Diabetes research….All I would have to do is donate a painting….she made a quick phone call, and it was ON like Donkey Kong!   Turns out one of the people hosting the event was someone that I had met.  He loved my work, and was excited that I wanted to donate.

I have had a flu, and that day was a particularly draining day for me.  I was talking with a friend, and she suggested that I should probably self-care and stay home – I was adamant that self-care for myself was going to the event.  It was NOT an option to stay home.  Little did I know what would transpire.

One of my fantasy dreams is to paint onstage with the Philharmonic – call it visions of grandeur – but, none-the-less, a dream of mine.  One that I had tucked very far, far away…..so hidden, that honestly, I had forgotten about it.

It just so happened, that the man hosting the event, was/is the Executive Director of the Philharmonic.

SOOOOOOO…….

While talking with my friend and this gentleman, all of a sudden, from out of nowhere, and as if I was being pushed by an ornery guide of mine – these words were out of my mouth before I could catch them….”I’ve always had a dream of painting onstage with the Philharmonic!”   Oh. Holy. Shit.   My friend’s jaw dropped….I think I turned 1000 shades of red.  This wonderful man looked me dead in the eye, with a sense of amazement and said, “I’ve been trying to make that happen for ages!  YES!!!”  I told him that quite honestly, it was such a fantasy that I had only told a couple of people about it…  His reply was priceless….”But, you’ve never told anyone that can MAKE it happen, have you???!!!”   No, I guess I hadn’t.

Again…..soooooooo……

It looks like in the near-ish future, I will be painting at Crystal Bridges with the Philharmonic.

Pinch me.

May we walk together as one.

Blessings y’all.

Paula

What if…..

I want to play a game….A game called “What If”.  I just recently finished a series on Netflix called Travelers…For those of you who have seen it, you know there was a HUGE cliffhanger.  For those of you who don’t know anything about the series…the cliff notes are that people “traveled” from the future, to… Continue Reading

I’m a House Whore….

….or I was….This post really could be called Confessions of a House Whore…But, I feel that I am recovering. For those of you who follow me, or know me, you know that houses are my weakness.  It’s like they call to me and ask me to make them beautiful.  This home that I am moving… Continue Reading

About Paula
Raven Shaman