Category Archives: Spiritual Aha

Disconnect-ed

Disconnect ed (12 x 12)
                    Disconnect – ed

I think that, for the most part right now….(and I’m NOT speaking for everyone), we are disconnect-ed.  We have grown up thinking and being taught one way, and yet, our intuition, our heart, is saying another.   Or it is a combination of the two – or a HUGE internal battle.

I’m only speaking for myself right now, but, I think some of you may recognize yourselves in this blog.   I know that I have done some very powerful healing work.  That culminated in a journey to Taos, where I always go to reconnect with my soul….only this time was very different.

It’s been years since I have dug this deep into my core wounding.  My old patterns and thought processes of being.  Ancestral stuff.  Lifetimes of getting away with BEing a certain way…..and getting by with it.   But, I know that I can’t anymore….and it’s challenging.

AND, the Mountain made me LOOK DEEP INSIDE!!!   True to her form and energy, (and her 2 x 4 nature), I had to look at a magnifying mirror…..which showed a lot of my old patterning and wounding…and I realized how much of a gift I was given.

However, I will also say that when the wounds are ancestral, that switching gears becomes a bit rough.   It takes a while to develop new patterns….kinda like riding a bike for the first time….I have training wheels.

I’m learning more how to respond, rather than react.

I’m learning how not to beat myself up – and this one is HUGE – because I have spent a lifetime(s) – doing this.

I’m learning how to have my own rudder – because for most of my life – I’ve relied on others to guide me – in every way shape or form – not having my own opinions (I know…..right????!!!) – and when I did – I seem to manage to see that my opinion was flawed…..

One thing I DO know at the core of my being is that I am supposed to paint and write messages….so that is where I am starting.

At MY beginning.

It’s about being gentle with myself, and others.

May we walk together as one.

Paula

I failed.

May We Walk Together As One

Yesterday morning was tough on me.  I went into a “Why can’t you seem to do anything right” spot.  I went to a party the night before, and got completely overwhelmed.  LOTS of people in a very small space.  Some I knew well.  Some I knew as an acquaintance.  But, most I didn’t know at all.

An Empath nightmare.

I stayed two hours.  (an hour longer than I really wanted to.)

And, then I bolted.

Didn’t say goodbye to a single soul.

So out of character for me and totally against how I was raised.

I just could not breathe and got a tad panicky.

Totally beat myself up the next morning.

In addition, I had to do some heavy duty boundary setting with three separate people….something that I am not yet completely comfortable with, but, gaining strength.  And, seeing how much lack of boundaries has led to my victim mentality.

Ten lashes, Paula.

The voice inside my head said – “You are such a loser.  Who are you to tell someone what is, and what isn’t acceptable to you?  Why should you expect someone to do as they promise?  Who are you to tell someone that you don’t want to listen to them go on ad nauseum about how great they are?  What makes you think that it’s ok to say no to someone when they tell you what to do?”

I went to a yoga class with a friend, in spite of my wanting to hermit inside of Agnes.

It was just what I needed.

And then this from a friend who does human design readings – “Open Heart Mantra: I do not have to prove anything to anyone, including myself.”

And then, the best part of all – an evening with a friend who lives in my old “hood” in Taos – a rambling walk on the Mesa, walking by my old home, followed by a great healthy meal, ceremonial songs, metaphysical discussions, and breathtaking sunset.

WTF, Paula Jean????

You did NOT fail at all.  In fact, you passed with flying colors.  You are just not used to this new way of thinking and being.   You weren’t taught to take care of yourself and to set boundaries.  You were taught to be the good girl and make everyone happy, even at your own expense. You have had this perverse way of thinking that everyone needs to like you.  It’s a new way of “being” for you, and so, just like when you exercise for the first time in a long time and your muscles are sore, so too when you try out new ways of being, you are going to have sore and tender “muscles”.

Ahhhhhhhh…..there is the lesson.

We are all shifting and changing at such a rapid rate right now, that sometimes we don’t know which way is up.  We question ourselves.  Some of us beat ourselves up – better than anyone else can.  It’s a new way of “being”.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s foreign.

But, it’s necessary.

Be gentle on yourself.  These are unchartered waters for most of us.

Be gentle on others.  Again, these are unchartered waters.

Lord God, if we can’t love, forgive and have compassion for ourselves, how can we have it for others? (Think about that!!!)

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

 

 

I’m wondering why????

This “artistic” mind of mine is always going….seeking….curious…. I never know what I will decide to write and/or paint next.   I listen.  I cuss.  I get into a panic about whether or not I’ll ever paint again.  I worry about whether or not people will like me.   I wonder if people will “get me”.  A…Continue Reading

WTH????

……Or, as many of you know I would actually say WTF??? I posted a painting the other day from a new series that is asking to be created, around the Tarot.  Don’t ask me why I am painting these, because I don’t have a clear answer….yet….except I think that what happened may just be a…Continue Reading

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Raven Shaman