Deeply Personal AHA

…That I feel drawn to share….It’s pretty vulnerable….but, a fairly large breakthrough.

A friend of mine (A) was sharing a story about a mutual friend (B) who is dating a multitude of women right now….the friend’s comment was basically “More power to him!”.

I was triggered.  (And probably not in the way that you are thinking)

And rather than get defensive or reactive – I asked questions – because I KNEW there had to be something deep in this…FOR ME….and that it might not be fun.

Even though A sees a pattern in B – B hates women – dates a lot of women – numbs his pain with a LOT of alcohol – gets used and taken advantage of – then when B and the women break up – B whines and complains about the women – RINSE AND REPEAT – A doesn’t feel the need to say anything. (not sure if it is some kind of guy thing – or what.)

Which really made me curious.

REALLY curious.

What about this triggered me so deeply?

But, of course, I started with the obvious.  Why wouldn’t A say anything to B?  A felt I was being judgy, but, I really wanted to get to the bottom of this…and I felt safe asking those questions.  We went back and forth.  Basically ending with A stating he feels no need to say something, and me still up in the air about it.

WHY DID THIS TRIGGER ME??

So – I went to one of my two bestie’s that always helps me process.

AHA AHA A-FREAKING-HA!!!!!

There it was.

I did the same thing that B did.

Constantly.

Always dating one person or another – allowing myself to be taken advantage of – monetarily in most cases – culminating in a type of a date rape situation a few years ago.

And why???

Because I didn’t feel worthy.

And so I allowed it.

Anything was better than nothing.

AND THEN BITCHING ABOUT IT.

Until…..My friend with the 2 x 4 asked – WHY THE F___ do you do this??

She asked the hard question.

Which I will be forever grateful for.

I did the same thing that B did – BUT – I had someone who cared about me ask the hard question – and changed my life because of it – that’s why it triggered me so deeply.

I realize that if I were given the opportunity – I would probably ask B the same question – in a different way – and knowing that he may or may not hear me – BECAUSE of how grateful I am that 2 x 4 woman cared enough about me to point out that patterning that leaves you banging your head against the wall – constantly wondering because you can’t see your forest for your trees.

We are all so different.

I feel the need to ask the hard questions.

Some don’t.

And it’s all just perfectly orchestrated.

May We Walk Together As One.

 

 

 

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