…That I feel drawn to share….It’s pretty vulnerable….but, a fairly large breakthrough.
A friend of mine (A) was sharing a story about a mutual friend (B) who is dating a multitude of women right now….the friend’s comment was basically “More power to him!”.
I was triggered. (And probably not in the way that you are thinking)
And rather than get defensive or reactive – I asked questions – because I KNEW there had to be something deep in this…FOR ME….and that it might not be fun.
Even though A sees a pattern in B – B hates women – dates a lot of women – numbs his pain with a LOT of alcohol – gets used and taken advantage of – then when B and the women break up – B whines and complains about the women – RINSE AND REPEAT – A doesn’t feel the need to say anything. (not sure if it is some kind of guy thing – or what.)
Which really made me curious.
What about this triggered me so deeply?
But, of course, I started with the obvious. Why wouldn’t A say anything to B? A felt I was being judgy, but, I really wanted to get to the bottom of this…and I felt safe asking those questions. We went back and forth. Basically ending with A stating he feels no need to say something, and me still up in the air about it.
WHY DID THIS TRIGGER ME??
So – I went to one of my two bestie’s that always helps me process.
AHA AHA A-FREAKING-HA!!!!!
There it was.
I did the same thing that B did.
Always dating one person or another – allowing myself to be taken advantage of – monetarily in most cases – culminating in a type of a date rape situation a few years ago.
Because I didn’t feel worthy.
And so I allowed it.
Anything was better than nothing.
AND THEN BITCHING ABOUT IT.
Until…..My friend with the 2 x 4 asked – WHY THE F___ do you do this??
She asked the hard question.
Which I will be forever grateful for.
I did the same thing that B did – BUT – I had someone who cared about me ask the hard question – and changed my life because of it – that’s why it triggered me so deeply.
I realize that if I were given the opportunity – I would probably ask B the same question – in a different way – and knowing that he may or may not hear me – BECAUSE of how grateful I am that 2 x 4 woman cared enough about me to point out that patterning that leaves you banging your head against the wall – constantly wondering because you can’t see your forest for your trees.
We are all so different.
I feel the need to ask the hard questions.
And it’s all just perfectly orchestrated.
May We Walk Together As One.