Leaning into her (MY) fear

leaningintoherfearMost of my life I have known there is something so deep inside of me that when I finally chose to get to it would be almost debilitating.

It came. (Note to self – be careful what you ask for!)

I’m what’s known as a Love Avoider.  One who is so afraid of intimacy (the one thing they really crave), because of instances that happened in their childhood that anytime anyone shows that they like/love them, these love avoiders run for the fucking hills.  Emotionally and/or physically….  We are petrified that we will be abandoned, and yet we desire connection so deeply that we continuously repeat the pattern.

For the most part, we are painfully aware that there is something deep down….like in the muckiest muck there is….and the fear of the pain of discovery is so intense, that the majority of us don’t have the courage to face it, through treatment of some sort or other, because to do so, would be to totally release and have to look at so many we have hurt because of our behavior.    It’s much like being an alcoholic.  Once it is discovered, there is a choice…know that it is there, but it is truly too painful to face….or what I have chosen, which is to face it head on, knowing there will be backslides, however, to not move forward would be the death of one’s soul.

I’m fortunate that this was discovered by being with a man, who is gentle and kind (but, still has his shit to deal with), and, I think, is willing to work through this with me.   If he isn’t, I will be grateful, and honored that he chose to fulfill our soul contract, by giving me the gift of discovering the one thing that would unlock my soul completely to do my work that I am to do here, from the place of complete love and compassion.  Not that I won’t have bad days along with the good….after all, it has served me well for almost 58 years.

While going through this time of discovery, dissecting, shedding and releasing, I did what most intuitive artists do….I painted.

I painted because I knew this emotion – this debilitating fear – would work it’s way out on canvas.

I had no preconceived notion of how it would turn out, because I have never chosen to paint from this deep emotional place before.

I put paint on…wiped and scraped it off….using alcohol, and water.  I used brushes, painting knives, paper towels, my hand, and lots of elbow grease.

I never once freaked out (which is a normal process for artists) about believing the muse would leave me and the “I’ll never be an artist” syndrome.

I let my soul guide my hands as I reached for colors.

I meditated, and knew when she was asking for more depth.

“Lean into your fears, Paula.”

“You will find beauty there.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhh…..I love what happens when I’m quiet and listen.  This is where the gift is….in the quiet.

Blessings…

Paula

 

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