I had a bad day yesterday.
This one, however, was particularly life changing.
It was one of those “I know why he cut off his ear”, and “I’ll never be an artist” days. No ideas floating in my head. No niggling messages to paint. No desire to paint anything. Music didn’t help. Walking away from the canvas was impossible.
And it came.
The Face of Fear.
What if this has all been a fluke? What if I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing? What if I am meant to flounder for the rest of my life? What if? What if? WHAT IF??????
Oh lord god….it was bad. Physically and emotionally the most pain I had felt for ages. It was REAL, in spite of the fact that my soul really truly does know the answers. My head, my ego were in full panic mode yesterday.
These moments for an artist, particularly an intuitive artist, who had no desire to ever paint in her life, until one day this gift placed itself right in the middle of my journey, are almost debilitating.
I’ve recently done two pretty strong shamanic journey’s that changed who I am, my desire to change the world (in my way, knowing that everyone has a different way), and what I am supposed to paint. I KNOW without a doubt that painting, being an intuitive artist, is my calling, and in spite of what others may think – the “starving artist” comments that I receive occasionally, I know it is more important than I ever believed.
I studied an old painting. I shifted positions, staring at it from a different angle, waiting for it to “talk” to me.
It started conversing with me…..it was a face….The Face of Fear.
I started painting. Slowing, painstakingly developing it.
I HAD to face this fear. I received advice from some to walk away, change music, etc etc….but “I” knew what needed to be done. I HAD to work through this.
It turned out to be almost shamanic in style. Almost faceless, which meant, at least to me, that it was finally losing strength.
I chose to be completely present with this painting. Not walk away. Not put it away for another day. FACE IT!!!
I cried, cussed and procrastinated.
It may not be saleable, but, the message is strong.
FACE YOUR FEARS. Do NOT walk away. Stay in the uncomfortableness. Stay present and listen to the message.
We cannot have light without dark. We cannot have happy without sad. We cannot have love without having lived through fear.
It’s the contrast.
Be comfortable with the fear and ask it what lesson it has to share with you. Don’t run. BE present. The greatest gifts come from the most challenging courageous times. It’s when you grow the most. It’s when you really “get” the lessons.
The Face of Fear.
Here’s to your journey….and knowing that you are not alone. EVER….