Humility and Grace

Wow…ok…I’ve procrastinated as much as I can…

I uncovered a huge wound that brought me to my knees last night…brought in through a mirror lesson….and as I’m sifting through…I hear…

“You know, you have to share.”

I ignored that statement.

“Paula, someone needs to hear this.”

But…it’s deep and humbling and and and and

“We know this will be challenging for you…and it’s time.”

Well…poop.

Narcissism runs in my family. It’s an ancestral program. Lately, anytime someone posts about narcissists, I’ve gotten triggered.

I find myself defending them.

Whoa.

I can feel the wounding of said narcissist.

I’ve posted similar meme’s and pointed fingers frequently.

Judgement big time.

Yesterday I got triggered by a practiced narcissist. They made a statement about me that is so far from the truth and so ridiculous that I had to take a step back and look at it for what it was.

I had had a serious fairly blunt convo with said person because I love them and I could see how they were sabotaging their growth AND I recognized behavior that I myself was very familiar with. Time after time after time ad nauseum I pushed away my lesson and played the victim. After all…it’s so much easier to place blame outside rather than take responsibility for it. And they did what I would do, and have done…their intention was to discredit me. And make me less than.

When someone DARED to call ME on MY shit, or distance themselves from me. I….and this is the most vulnerable part of the whole post….and embarrasses the shit outta me now that I’ve seen it…I would talk smack about said person.

So, I’ve been there and done that. It’s ugly. Really ugly. So I have compassion for said person. BIG COMPASSION…as my Dad always said…”There but for the Grace of God, go I”.

Narcissistic behavior at its finest.

Learned AND ancestral.

I’m sharing this because deep inside…I knew it…incredibly buried…and any time it would start to surface, I’d push it back down…

Until it made me really REALLY sick.

All of this to say…I truly believe narcissist’s are deeply wounded little children inside, and this is the only way they know how to be…until they can no longer NOT look at it.

There are some who will never be able to look this deeply…because, I’m telling you, it’s fucking painful.

I’m beyond grateful for the beautiful beings who have helped me work through this. The ones who cut me out of their lives because of it…and the ones who loved me in spite of it…both were/are essential for this beautiful realization and growth.

Now that I’ve uncovered it…I could go into my typical “nobody likes me, everybody hates me” routine that is familiar…but that Paula is in her death throes.

Well..honestly…that was cathartic…and scary af.

The next scary step is hitting that post button..

What if I get judged?

What if people don’t like me because of it?

If I am, and they don’t…then that is as much a part of the lesson as this is.

I love all y’all who are walking with me regardless of whether or not you are aware…

We are all one…and walking one another home.