Why has my art changed so much over the years?

If it could have happened any other way, it would have

The short answer – because I’ve changed.

The longer version….

I started painting at age 45. I was living in a small town in Western Kansas and married with my 2.54 children living on a golf course, and I didn’t want for a thing.

I started painting on a whim, when a friend of mine who was an artist, suggested that I do something less physical (at the time I was remodeling houses – doing most of the work on my own – and an old plaster ceiling had come tumbling down on my head), and yet, creative.

I started painting what I loved most in my life, which was spending time on my grandparents farm and playing with the critters.

It was fun. I sold….a lot.

And then, I separated from my ex and moved to Taos….dated a shaman for three years….My life changed. I participated in ceremonies that I was totally unaware of until my move to the Southwest. I became a seeker of knowledge and unseen things.

My art started reflecting that.

I made a conscious decision. My critters no longer held any fascination for me. To me, they were just variations on the same theme. I wanted more. I wanted my art to come from my soul.

Don’t get me wrong….I’m envious of those who are very successful painting the same thing, but it just wasn’t for me. I knew that I would be giving up a very potentially successful career. But, it didn’t feel like I would be being true to who I was becoming.

I started painting really crappy abstracts, and abstracted figures – which were mostly angels.

I studied a lot of abstract artists that I admired and realized that I LOVED the fact that I could FEEL their art. They painted with wild abandon. I wanted to be able to do that.

But first, I needed to learn how to relinquish control. To me, art reflects the inner world of the artist. I had ALWAYS been about control. I controlled about everything that I possibly could.

Big significant AHA for me.

This year has been more about allowing for me. Control wasn’t working in my life anymore, and I decided to just surrender.

I’ve been chewed up and spit out during this time. As a self-proclaimed control freak, switching to allowing brought up so many wounds that I had been hiding pretty deeply with my control issues.

A plethora of my demons have finally been released. Some have been tiny, some have been huge, but, I can say that I have successfully faced every one of them who have come into my awareness.

And my art is reflecting that. I’m losing time. Space. Reality. I’m painting from “that” place. That unknown place where the muses reside. The unconscious. However you want to refer to it.

There have been so many days that I have worried about how I am going to eat (ramen is on the menu frequently), and how I am going to travel (I spend a lot of time in people’s driveways with Agnes), but, I know that this is a calling for me.

I can see when people paint from their souls, and when they don’t. I love the rebels…the ones who scoff at the “shoulds”. I want to be more like them.

I’ve had more people ask me how I do my art now than I ever have in my life. I’ve sold more art on my own than I ever have.

And so, y’all, that’s the long version.

I want to encourage all of you who are artists to take a risk. Jump out of that box that you have put yourself in and lose control. Paint with wild abandon. Do something that you have never done before. Try new techniques. Break that mold. Risk. Dare. But, CREATE!!!

May We Walk Together as One.

It’s a blankie fort day

One of “those” days that we all dread, that come on with no warning, that stop you in your tracks. One of “those” days, that you KNOW something good will come out of it, IF, you can just remember that it all happens for a reason…and IF you can remember you have your tools in your tool box!!

It’s one of “those” days that you question EVERYTHING. Why you did it this way. Or that way. Or you did nothing. Or you did everything.

It’s one of “those” days where all you want to do is hide, and not talk to anyone. Because you are afraid that you might say something you might regret. Or not say something.

Hells Bells.

I had an awesome – like off the charts – couple of days prior to this. Those days where you feel like you are in the flow. You can see your path clearly. You can feel your purpose. You know that how you handled certain challenges EXACTLY the way you were “supposed” to.

And then it comes.

Someone makes a comment, questioning you, or tells you what you “should” be doing rather than what you ARE doing and the spiral starts. You (I am in this group) people -pleasers are especially prone to this.

You allow it to wash over you.

You sit with it.

You make the conscious decision to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Or paint. Or cook. Or walk. Or meditate. Anything to keep the demon away.

What was the trigger? Why does it affect you? What can YOU do to be a better you?

And, you look that demon in the eye. It stands strong. But, you are stronger. (Trust me, I’ve stared a LOT down the past few weeks!)

You are human. You did NOT come here to be perfect. You came here to learn. You came here to grow. You came to help the collective.

Allow yourself the grace that you would allow your children. Your friends. Your family. Talk with yourself the way a lover would.

I spoke with a wise woman this morning and she reminded me that JUST YESTERDAY I wrote about this….” there are still curve balls being thrown at us as our light increases, and the dark forces become aware of our power. Please know that if you are getting the attention of those forces, that you indeed DO posses much strength. The strength and the wisdom to change the world. NO PRESSURE.”

Well, there ya have it.

I wrote the answer to my day today, yesterday.

However, if you need me today, I’ve had so much fun playing blankie fort….that I think I will continue. Or paint. Or cook.

One demon down. I’m sure a few more to go.

May We Walk Together as One.

Mea Culpa

I KNEW I published my HUGE rant for a reason…. Initially, I had NOT ONE CLUE about why it bothered me so much. Ninety nine percent of the time, when I get a comment that triggers me, I delete it. This time it sent me on a tear. First of all, let me give a… Continue Reading

Big, no, HUGE Rant Post…

Yesterday I posted something that was super hard for me to share. It was very vulnerable, and very much about my process and my lessons. And, believe it or not, I received a comment from someone who doesn’t know me at all, and who obviously did not read my post, chastising me…. Here is the… Continue Reading

I’ve been procrastinating….

….a lot!!! About writing this. It’s super painful, and over the top vulnerable…and scary AF to share…but, once again, my guides are kinda a-holes about suggesting what I do, and they ALWAYS preface it with “it’s for the collective!!” Right. But, they ARE right. While I was in Taos, I had an opportunity to meet… Continue Reading

Man, did I get triggered

But, this time, I handled it differently. I knew it was coming. However, it came from someone I did not expect it to come from. Any time someone tries going outside of the box, it’s scary. You never know what the reactions might be. This time, was so different for me. I’ve tried so many… Continue Reading

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