Not a cohesive thought in her monkey mind….

BirthdayinParisfinishedEver have one of “those” days?   Those bleh days that nothing seems to be going right and then spirals down into the pit of nothingness until you feel like you may never, ever be able to claw your way back up out of the abyss?  And no matter how hard you try,  you know you are going down for the count?   The kind of day….well, you get the picture.

I’ve dealt, on and off, with depression for the majority of my life.   It has gotten much better in the past few years, and I rarely spiral down that far any more.   But, yesterday was an exception.   I could feel it coming on.  And for a change, I didn’t fight it.   I allowed it.   I let it wash over me like the tidal wave I knew it would be.   I wallered.  In my baby pity party.   I went to bed, and cried.   (Love my bed. I’m a Cancer, and my bed is like coming home for me!)

And then I witnessed the most incredible conversation in my whole life.    I was an observer to this bizarre conversation between my “monkey mind” (MM)… and, my “Higher-self”.  (HS).

HS – What are ya doing in bed?

MM – Oh Damn! I KNEW you were gonna come in.  That’s why I came to bed…to try to avoid you and your damn cheery self!

HS – So, why are you here?

MM – Cuz, I’m a failure. I’ll never amount to anything…yada yada yada…   You know the story.

HS – No…I DON’T!  The story I KNOW is that you are incredibly talented, and you have always said that you KNOW you are going to “make it” as an artist.

MM – Well, I’m changing my story.   Come on…  let me waller!

HS – Nope…..it’s time to change THAT story as well.

MM – Well, SHIT!

HS – If you say so.   You know that this is just a VERY, VERY temporary situation.  That sometimes it has to happen to provide contrast. So you know how you WANT to feel.

MM – But, I know, I’m just existing…and don’t have any reason to be here.

HS – THAT IS CRAP!!! AND YOU KNOW IT!  You have enough tools now in your magicians bag to pull anything out at any moment to use to help you when you get like this.

MM – Oh yeah – I guess I do.

HS – Of course you do.  You’ve got this you know…  You are talented, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, sexy, happy, filled with love and laughter.

MM – Somedays I wonder.

HS – Of course you do ….again…  AND, if you really feel like you need to stay in bed and cry and waller in your pity party, that is totally your prerogative.

MM – Can I have 5?

HS – I’ll give you 5….and then it is totally your choice what happens next.

MM – Okay, done.

HS – Already?

MM – Yup…  I have things to write about – people to tell how much I love them – and a painting that is begging to be painted.

HS – I knew I could talk sense into you.

MM – Bitch…

HS – hey….

MM – Sorry. It was meant with love.

HS – Haha…right.

And poof….as fast as it had started it was gone.   Just like that.   I was an observer.   I was stuck in the middle.  Which is where I belong. I observed that I was two people.   I was light and I was dark.   The perfect blend of up and down, right and left, right and wrong.  Yin and Yang.   I saw it…I experienced it.   I KNOW it.

And I painted…A wonderful painting.  A happy, joyful painting…

With seeds in it…   Seeds of hope…

So blessed –

Paula

 

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