You cannot serve from an empty vessel.
This painting has had a profound impact on me. I’ve been in tears all morning since creating it. (I still can’t look at it without getting teary eyed!) Yesterday was a play day for me, after receiving Robert Burridge’s course in the mail on how to paint abstracts and how to loosen up. One of the things he is pretty emphatic about is taking time to write down your intentions before you start painting. And, to at least do three paintings in a series…this is the second one.
My intention was fairly general – I wanted to paint about LOVE. I’ve had a history of “filling my vessel” with men, who have all been great teachers of lessons (translation – looking for myself in others!). Frequently during my time of seeking – ie going from relationship to relationship – I have been told I need to focus on me, and not on being in a relationship. Which, of course, pissed me off, and, well, in true “Paula” fashion – made me date and seek more.
I have been out of any sort or type of relationship now for over a year – slowly dissecting why and what makes me tick – and why I have chosen the relationships that I have in the past. It’s been both excruciatingly painful, and immensely rewarding.
Anyway, back to the painting and intention of yesterday. After writing my intention down, I turned on my Pandora station to The Monkees (tell me – Was Davy Jones was YOUR crush too!?), and I’m a Believer came on.. It starts – “I thought love was only true in fairy tales. Planned for someone else, but not for me.” GUS at work. Was this true for me? Did I feel unworthy of love?
The second “sign” of the day from GUS was a heart shaped rock RIGHT OUTSIDE MY STUDIO! I walk that path a billion times a day. (OK – not a billion, but you know what I mean.)
And then, the painting….DAMMIT JANET….A vessel (they had been showing up in my paintings for a couple of weeks) and a heart growing out of it.
And not a heart in the traditional sort of kitchy style – My style – my colors – my composition.
Was it time to really look deep?
Was it time to finally accept that I am worthy?
Was it time to just let go and surrender to what is?
Was it time to stop listening to what others say I “should” do?
Is it time to finally accept all of me? The good, the bad, and the beautiful?
I know that these paintings are very different…and actually…..after painting this one yesterday….I honestly thought I might not share it, and I most definitely figured I would paint over it, and my galleries tell me that they cannot sell heart paintings….and….really….it was just play for me. (Was that a run-on sentence, or what? And, did it make ANY SENSE?)
OR WAS IT??
I think it’s time.
Time to stop comparing.
Time to stop trying to be everything to everyone.
Time to stop beating myself up.
Time to fill my vessel with LOVE.
May We Walk Together As One