I’ve been going through a metamorphosis of sorts lately…like a caterpillar who has gone into his cocoon to emerge as a butterfly…eventually!
I had a friend point out to me the other day that all of my typical colors were gone from my paintings that I have been doing….which caused me to reflect.
One of the reasons, I suppose my paintings are lacking in color, could have something to do with the fact that I am “lover-less” at the current moment. I seem to paint in red (passion) a lot when I am in a relationship, or have DRAMA going on in my life. None of that right now. It has been a conscious decision on my part. I kept attracting partners that came from the same point that I did…which was one of lack…or filled with drama. And, I have to admit, I have been an adrenaline junkie in the past, (and still am to some degree) …although, I feel the demon lessening his grip!
And when patterns continue to repeat themselves….hmmmm…..could it have something to do with MY point of attraction and these men and situations come in to hold a mirror up to my behavior and feelings of lack? That could be a Duh!!!
I suppose I’m super transparent and willing to put myself out there, to let any of you know, that I think this is pretty “normal”. And that it is ok to talk about. Many of us are drama queens or kings. Adrenaline junkies. Many of us look for someone to complete us, without being complete and whole ourselves. Filling the void with anything that we can, whether it be a less than perfect partner (because WE are less than perfect partner material), drug, alcohol abuse. Addiction to anger. Whatever it is.
I have a little girl inside whom I have always called Sallie (ie please, not with a “y”!) who is three years old and is one tough cookie. She has been my “protector” for a long, long time. She runs when partners come in that are not “good” for me. Lately, it feels like Sallie has taken time off….or has softened a bit. (Perhaps it is because I have made the decision to chill on the dating scene…or perhaps, it’s because I have chosen consciously to have less drama in my life!) She doesn’t feel the need to fight anymore. And, yet, she has served her purpose. She protected me in her way when I needed her. I’m grateful for that. It’s time for her to rest.
I painted this painting…to let her know that I am grateful to her. For the role she has played in my life. For helping me through many situations. To let her know that she will always be a part of me, but now it is time for her to rest. It’s time for her to soften…For ME to soften. Less judgement, less drama…
She became a soft pink flower in this painting…the color of love.
Oh Sallie….thank you for helping me…..thank you for being a part of my life….I think I’m ready to let you rest now.
You spoke to my soul Paula. “Hugs” for Sallie.
Wow, a very deep post and it speaks to me as well.
I have a similar protector. Mine doesn’t have a name, but about the same age and a little girl. Mostly, she pulls me back from sitting on the sidewalk with my legs in the gutter when something dangerous approaches. I’ve learned to help myself see to pull back without her help, but I still forget. I’m single too. I miss being in relationship (18 yrs now, since divorce with only occasional and failed dating). I get people telling me I’m not making myself truly available or that I should say I’m independent, instead of single. I don’t really know the answer to that. Thank you for reminding me that we are just wherever we are, heading to wherever we are going. xo