Tag Archives: Hope

Something BIG is coming

Lots of Hope (24 x 24)
Lots of Hope

I know something big is coming.

I’m like a cat on a hot tin roof…..or a……whore in church.

I can’t relax.

I’m pacing.

I want to tear my hair out.

Fingernails too.

I’m not comfy in my body, and I want to get out.   I know it will pass, but I want to capture the feeling that is here NOW.

The anxiety.

When I used to get like this, all I could think about was checking out and how much more peaceful it would be….that was of course BEFORE I knew that if you DO succeed in checking yourself out that you get to come back and repeat that lesson.   Not happening….just sayin’.

Much easier to get through it now…..after all, I am pretty sure I am on the other side of the middle of my life.   So, THAT is growth. AND, I CAN see that the other side will be so much brighter….which is comforting….but, not happening soon enough.

Fifteen minutes of pacing….moving one thing to another place and back again. A bit of mindless cleaning. My bathrooms have never been cleaner. (Yes, the stools also!!)

You know, something about writing it down, has helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel even clearer.   Yes, the feeling of change coming is still there. But, there is something else starting to niggle at the back of my neck.

What if this is the way it’s supposed to be?   What if one part of this lesson is about truly trusting my own intuition.   My own. No one else’s. Mine. I’m good about trusting my intuition when I’m in certain circumstances, but frequently, I can’t see my own forest for my trees…ya know???!!!

I’m in the dead center of my second Saturn Return – Happens only every 30 years, and it’s a chance to break old patterns. The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. A chance to move forward without baggage. If it doesn’t happen now, then I have 30 more years of being hit in the head with 2 x 4’s trying to learn the lesson, but without the assistance of Saturn. I don’t know about you, but, my self-demeaning, self-demoralizing, and just not feeling good enough days have got to end.

It’s time.

It’s painful.

I’m having to look at shit that I really DO know that I have, but, have stuffed down rather deep.

The IChing says: chaos is another name for opportunity. Right now, I want to scream “BULL SHIT!”, but, I know it’s true.

Listening to the doubts of my Monkey Mind (with the assistance of Saturn) is bringing on the breakdown before the breakthrough.

So yeah, I guess a big change is coming. One that I have needed for a long time. (Oh – about 60 years is all.) I know that things work out exactly as they are supposed to….and actually, now, towards the end of my blog, I can say that I am rather excited. How wonderful to finally shed that which is no longer needed, nor serves me well.

Time to fully step into who I am.

I am a quirky, eclectic, visionary intuitive artist, and author. I live to paint and write the visions and messages I receive, and consider it an honor to be able to do so without too much hesitation (THAT is one of the things I am working on – fully stepping into “why” I am here!)

I love my children, son in law and grandson with a fierceness that I couldn’t understand until now.

I am blessed beyond words, and this too shall pass.







Esperanza – Hope – Sigh…..

This was taken by my friend Brooke Tatum
This was taken by my friend Brooke Tatum

I want to share a story….

A story about an incredibly mystical, nurturing home in an extraordinarily enchanted land.

Esperanza. Hope. Because without Hope, where would we be?

My ex and I had always had two homes. At one point there was one in Taos, when I first started painting, and a fairly large family emergency happened and we sold it. But, the Enchanted Mountain wasn’t finished with me yet.

Several years later, I lost my father. As he died, he communicated to me “Always be happy Paula Jean.”.

Those words changed my life.

I realized that I hadn’t been happy. Little did I know at the time that it was internal and not external.

I started looking on the internet for homes in Taos once again.   I felt drawn there.

This one home – kept pulling me in. I kept praying that somehow I would live in her. She wasn’t practical for my situation at the time – only one bedroom, and one bathroom, but, my love affair with her started then.

And then, I made the decision to separate from my ex. Not on a whim, but because of a deep longing to find myself.

Little did I know, how Esperanza would play an integral part in my healing.

From the moment I stepped into her – I knew she was mine.   I didn’t care that she was on two miles of dirt roads. I didn’t care that, at the time, there was no closet. I didn’t care that, at the time, she was only one bedroom.

That bathtub – drew me in. A six foot claw foot tub set into a bay window that faced south with a stunning view of the mountain. Sigh. I fell hook line and sinker. I laid in the tub (without water) while my realtor sat on the stool, and listened to my dreams.

I moved in. She embraced me with her gigantic kiva fireplace in the middle of the home, that I would lovingly run my hands over and feel the soothing heat as she radiated her benevolent energy out. I could feel the love that the woman and her daughter, who built her by hand, put into her. Every time I opened up one of the kitchen cabinet doors and saw a different hand carved flower (even a sunflower!!!) I felt the love that Dorothy put into every single bit of planning that home. I would lay in my bed and watch the moon and the stars every night.

She was only ¼ mile from the Rio Grande Gorge. Set in a dark community that allowed no ambient light. The magpies, ravens and then eventually the hummingbirds kept me company. Five stately pine trees that sang songs to me as the wind blew through their needles and aspen trees who graced me with gold every fall were present in my fenced in yard.

I spent my first winter there, snowed in most of the time, drinking wine in the bathtub, with candles burning all around me, listening to Eva Cassidy, wondering what I was going to do with my life. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. But, I always felt some sense of peace under the New Mexico skies.

After all, hadn’t I always dreamed of being married with 2.54 kids etc etc?

Why then, the need, the desire to be in Taos, NM of all places?!

Turns out….It was to awaken to a life I had no idea or knowledge of until moving there the second time.

My life changed. I no longer believed much of anything I was raised to believe. I felt like I was being born again. I ventured out, very slowly at first, and connected to my tribe. The people were magical. My experiences were even more magical.

But always, I knew that if it hadn’t been for Esperanza (and The Mountain) making herself known to me, I may not have had the mystical journey that I have had.

She healed me. She became my confidant wrapping me in a little cocoon like a grandmother.

Which brings me to my vision, my dream for her (and I think HER vision and dream for herself – since I tried to sell her at 25% below market price – and she NEVER sold!).

She and the land she sits on is sacred, and healing. I have had renters in the past who have stayed there as they were contemplating whether or not to stay in a relationship.   I have had artists come and stay (because there is studio space), to reconnect with their muse. I have had healers come and stay for quiet time. I have had people who want to possibly move to the area come and stay for the full Land of Enchantment experience. I am having an author and mystic coming in June to host a retreat and write.

This is my dream, my vision for her. To offer a healing, sacred, creative space. To offer a place for intimate sacred ceremonies. To offer a place to teach and share wisdom.

Where you can dream, create, contemplate, restore, relax and renew.

Where you can rise in the morning to the sounds of balloons floating overhead. Where you can drink your coffee and talk with the magpies, ravens, & hummingbirds. Where you can soak in the bathtub as you watch the sun (or moon) rise over the mountains. Where you can walk on the Mesa after a monsoon rain and smell the chamisa.

Where you can just BE.

If the thought of this appeals to you…Please let me know.   She is solidly booked until mid-July, and tentatively booked until the first part of September.

She is a funky, quirky, eclectic, nurturing grandmother….I promise you a dreamlike experience.


Much love,


To look at pictures of her – click here!


Thoughts about “being” authentic

I wrote my last blog on Dec. 23rd…2013 (not 2012…although it feels like years since I have written ANYTHING!).  I shared with all of you about my “coming out spiritually”, and how scary it was…or is for me.  BUT, (and it’s a big one), since then my life has become even MORE magical.  Because I… Continue Reading

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