I met someone. It’s always been a joke between my friends and I that the only way that I am going to meet someone is at the grocery store or Walmart. This one actually came to my house and purchased something that I had for sale.
He was so much of what I had envisioned myself ending up with, that it was uncanny. There were few reservations. I shared a lot about why I had so many intimacy issues, and he appeared to be super sensitive to my wanting to get to know him, before diving into being intimate. I was surprised at how easy it was to set so many boundaries with him.
He was brilliant, incredibly spiritual, dorky, and made me laugh. His ability to read my thoughts as I was thinking them was astonishing. Time and time again, before I could even verbalize, he knew what I was going to say. Frequently, I didn’t even HAVE to speak, and he would just KNOW what was going on in my mind.
I most definitely was starting to consider this relationship as long term. Check, check, check. It all seemed to be on my list. I was even starting to feel that this was a man that I could work through my intimacy issues, and, eventually have a totally loving relationship with. However, looking back on it, and through my processing, I realized that I had niggles of it not being quite right. He was pushy, and I kept putting up boundaries.
He wanted to do energy work on me, which felt totally natural. After all, I had shared ALL of my reservations about intimacy, and, once again, it seemed to me that he was in complete alignment.
We went to my bedroom, and he started doing work on me. It felt otherworldly. I was in heaven. It was like all of my fears were melting away.
I allowed him to get physical with me…..but….it had been so long since I had been intimate, that it was painful.
We stopped.
We snuggled.
He told me that he understood.
I was grateful.
And then.
Before I knew it, he flipped me over, and rammed himself into me.
My whole being disappeared.
I was in shock.
I couldn’t respond OR react.
All I could think was, how could he do this?
After he finished, he said he had done me a favor since I was basically a “virgin” again.
I couldn’t even speak.
All I could think was that I wanted him to go home. He read my mind, saying “I know you want me to leave.” Followed by, “Thanks for letting me finish.”
It took me a while to process. I’ve always been one that wants everyone to like me. I’ve always put my needs last. I’m a product of how I was raised, along with my patterns, karma, Akashic records, and soul contracts.
I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt dirty and used. I blamed myself. I blamed myself, for not saying no, for having a sensual body, for being attractive, for being intelligent, and for being funny…..all of the characteristics that he found attractive.
I painted. STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN.
They gave me strength. They brought me messages that it is OKAY to be all of the things that I blamed myself for. They told me that it was not my fault, and to stop beating myself up. They also reminded me that this was one of the most powerful lessons of my life, and until I finally understood that listening to my intuition is the most important thing that I could do for myself, that these sort of incidences would continue to happen to me.
I’m not the victim here. I am the victor. He is not the enemy, nor do I hate him….on the contrary, I am grateful. Grateful because I finally got it GUS! I finally understand.
It will probably take me a while to fully process the whole incident.
So, was it date rape? I’m not completely sure. Way too much gray. The only thing that I am sure of is that I’ve done a powerful shift. It will take time to integrate the full lesson.
I do know that I am painting these STRONG, POWERFUL, NAKED, TOO MUCH WOMEN for others who are in the same boat as I am in. The ones that feel guilty and ashamed. The empaths. The sensitive ones. The ones who are afraid to be all that they are.
The victors.
Because, there is no time like the present to finally “get” our lessons.
After all, we have a world to change.
May We Walk Together As One,
Paula
