This topic has been on my mind a lot lately….And, let me tell you why. It’s really hard for me to share this, but, I’m going to anyway.
I’ve been wondering if I’m at all capable of love and/or loving. Several incidences have happened in my little world lately that has made me go to the “I’m no good” statement that frequently comes up for us all. The kind where no one else can beat you up quite as good as you can!!!
And, I had a friend text me the other day….”Are you okay?” I called him immediately. He sounded worried and very concerned. “Are you okay?” “Yes, why?”, I responded. “Because I just saw a car exactly like yours that was in a horrible accident!”
It made me think.
I came to the conclusion that this is what love looks like.
Or feels like.
Or “just is” like.
Wow, I guess I am capable of being loved. And it made me think. How have I shown love to others in similar ways?
Does driving a friend an hour and a half to help them pick out stuff for their remodel, loading it in your car, and then unloading it, count? What about showing up at a friend’s home who is totally overwhelmed with life with food and drink? How about talking with a friend who is doing something that could be dangerous to their career, and no matter how hard it is for you to say, you say it anyway?
Is that love?
I wasn’t shown much love as a child….consequently….I have a hard time recognizing it. It was mostly conditional. It made me feel unworthy, which has carried on into my adult years. And, has made me develop some very unhealthy patterns. Ones I can finally see, after hitting rock bottom.
Yes, I have gone about situations in a basakward way….but, I now understand why I do it the way that I do. “They” say that the first step to healing is to recognize that you have a problem. This one really made me go down that “I’m an awful” person hole.
Recognizing triggers, patterns, and wounding is essential to healing. My little wounded girl, Sallie, is not quite “there” yet, but, thanks to the unfolding of events, she is much closer. She is not as quick to push people away. Her “judgy” pattern is still there, but, more often than not, is filled with compassion. Because SHE has been there. She was wounded, and, reacts a lot, rather than responds.
Can I love, and be loved? I think so.
It’s called progress and not perfection….after all, I am human.
Have I made mistakes? Of course. Will I continue to have lessons? ABSOLUTLY! Will I continue to improve? You bet. Will I ever be perfect? No….life is a spiral that continues to reveal itself with every interaction.
Blessing to you all.
May We Walk Together As One
PS, my friend who texted me that frantic text….showed me love again, by making a desert for me that I had recently pinned on my Pinterest board…Yummy, lemon cream cheese bars….Now THAT’S the kinda love I LOVE!!!