Category Archives: Everyday Life

Not even my family, nor my closest friends know….

Lean on me

…..the extent of my depression.  Because, I cover it up.  Sometimes, I cover it up well, sometimes, not so much.  It’s debilitating at times, and at other times, it’s manageable.  But, it is always present.  Even as a small child, and young adult, I remember wanting to not be here.  Lately, though, it has been worse.  I wake up in a panic.  My anxiety is through the roof.

Perhaps it is because I am so highly sensitive and an empath…perhaps it is familial…it could be the Lyme disease….or  maybe it is something that I don’t even know about yet.  I don’t know.  I just know that it is always there….like I have to walk this fine line of wanting to scream, cry, or hide.

I used to play the victim….blaming others.  Some would say that it is, “my cross to bear.”  I’m choosing, however, to look at it as a lesson….I obviously choose this….and I need to learn how to get a handle on it.  Because, some days just getting out of bed is the very best that I can do.

Baby steps towards change – my eating habits are slowly changing.  I am making a conscious effort to stop the negative self talk.  I celebrate my good days.  I look at how far I have come, rather than how far I need to go.  But, I think the most important thing that I am doing right now is allowing myself to examine it.

I’ve always been afraid to face this “demon” head on….because, depression is just not something that is talked about…and when someone shares about their depression (depending upon, of course, who they choose to share it with), it is met with…”Just think positive thoughts”.  “Oh, it’s just a phase.”  or….my favorite….”Just get over it.”  I’m here to tell you – that doesn’t work.

Yes, I know that I am blessed.  Yes, I know I have a gift.  Yes, I know it could be worse, that I could be a starving child somewhere….but, on days like today….all that does, is make me spiral more.

Because, why, if I have so many blessings, do I feel the way I feel?

I am highly determined, though, to learn what to do on these days.  I do know that they don’t last forever, and for that I am grateful.  I do know, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  I also realize, that every time I am getting ready to uplevel, that I go through this, and there must be a huge gigantic change coming.  Always darkest before the dawn….so they say.

Maybe, I’m choosing to write this today, to help others.  I really don’t know, but my guides were extremely insistent that I write….AND PUBLISH!!!

Painting today saved me.  Creating this angel made me feel not so alone.  Her message to me came in strong and clear while writing this:  “Lean on me. I’m always here. You are never alone. I’m one of thousands you can call upon on your dark days.  That’s why we are here.  Please, please, PLEASE….lean on me.  Ask for guidance.  Be quiet.  Your answers are there in the spaces in between.  Reach out.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You aren’t a burden, child…you are a gift.”

All I can say right now, is WOW….  She also wants me to remind those of you who have days like today, to reach out to YOUR guides….and, cut yourself a bit of slack, just like you would for your friends…..or your children…..

Now, I know why they were insistent about writing while I was feeling this way….

May We Walk Together As One.

Much love,

Paula

It’s Been a Rough FREAKIN’ Year…(part deux)

(If you haven’t read “It’s Been a Rough FREAKIN’ Year” part one , and you want to – click here)….

BUT, first, my Guides have been adamant about having me share something about using the phrase “cream of the crop”.

EVERYONE here plays a role.  Not one of us can make a move without affecting another.  It’s all a part of the brilliant tapestry that we are weaving.  We are connected in so many ways this lifetime – There are the soul contracts, karma from past lifetimes, karma from THIS lifetime, physical connection, etc etc etc.  You never know when, where, why or how (in some cases) your actions or words will transform someone’s life.

So, BE mindful.  BE compassionate.  BE joy.  BE forgiving.  BE love.  Just BE!!!!

Onto more vulnerable stuff….I found out that I have Lyme Disease, which is kind of a relief for me, because I have been exhausted, stressed, moody, arthritic, and having heart issues…which I was blaming on my age, and some what of a non-healthy lifestyle (I really am not much of a green leafy person – preferring bread – etc etc).  I am choosing (consciously) to work with an alternative health care professional, and, I discovered The Medical Medium, who has really changed the way I look at, well, everything that has to do with my lifestyle.

I’ve started juicing and eating healthier.

But, I have to admit, I’ve been beating myself up….a LOT!!!   What did I do to cause this?  And, why me?  So, before you think I am in victim mode, which I will admit, I started going down that old familiar rabbit hole pattern….I’m not.  I’m using this as a way to take control of my life…to change my lifestyle.  Although, I have to confess that there are days lately, that I see myself as a failure…like I did something wrong, and am being punished for it.

I don’t want to be a crotchity, unhealthy Mimi to my Littles – I want to be that grandparent that can keep up with them…that is fun…that is happy AND healthy.  I want to set an example for both my children and my grands…I guess I really never thought about it much before, I kinda thought that my way of living was good….until I started juicing, cutting out gluten, and being more mindful.  (I can definitely tell when I eat something “bad”!)

I’ve always been a “doer”.  I’m a crappy “be-er”.  This has made me aware that the “doing” has to stop.  That part of the resetting of my body, also includes my mind, AND my spirit.   I know that I preach mind, body, spirit….But, I’m truly understanding the importance now.

The brain fog is real.  The exhaustion is real.  The depression is real.  The cause of the actual dis-ease is not truly known, but, I do know that something needs to change.

Sorry about the down and dirty blog, but, not all days are good…  I think that one of the things when choosing a spiritual path that gets beaten into our heads is that we create our own reality…and when things are less than perfect…we get down on ourselves and see ourselves as failures…BUT WE ARE FREAKIN HUMAN PEOPLE…and along with choosing to be human comes emotions…

I’m not wallering…I’m just having a less than perfect day.

Much love,

Paula

How many of you (like me) run?

….from facing your fears….and from facing yourself?  I know I do.  What is it that you do?? This is one of the things I do…I buy houses.  About every two years, I get the itch to change residences.  But, this home here in Bella Vista, Arkansas…is different.  I’m putting down roots. Literally and figuratively.  I’m… Continue Reading

Conflict, Boundaries and Guilt

God, I used to hate conflict…boundary was not in my vocabulary….and NO ONE was better at guilting themselves than I was.  I was the Queen. But, something happened this last year on my journey.   I kept attracting the same sort of people.  Victim-ish and vampirish.  AND, as you know, that means there were lessons there,… Continue Reading

About Paula
Raven Shaman