….a lot!!! About writing this. It’s super painful, and over the top vulnerable…and scary AF to share…but, once again, my guides are kinda a-holes about suggesting what I do, and they ALWAYS preface it with “it’s for the collective!!”
But, they ARE right.
While I was in Taos, I had an opportunity to meet a really nice fella. He was sweet, intelligent, and super sexy. But, one of the BIGGEST things on my list was missing. He was not on a spiritual path.
And yet, I was incredibly interested.
He wanted me to text him my phone number. He wanted to see me when I came back. We kissed….OMG….yup….It was a super magical night.
And then, I did my Mars in Aries thing. I text him how much I enjoyed the night…yada yada yada….only, you guys know, because you know that I love to write, it was not just a simple paragraph. I wanted, no NEEDED, him to like me.
I told myself (because I was beating myself up with a 2 x 4), that if he couldn’t handle me, that he didn’t deserve me. It got me through a few days, until I realized that it was just a story that I was telling myself.
You see, I have some wounding around being rejected. Around not being liked. I would get a bit clingy and needy. Telling myself that I have something “important” to share. Bull S#!T Paula Jean!!! Bull S#!T!!!
For some reason, in the past, I haven’t felt worthy. Unlovable. Maybe from my childhood, perhaps from the guilt that I left my husband. Or a combo of all of the above.
And, this GIGANTAMONDOUS lightbulb went on!!!!!
I have been creating scenerios to fuel that unlovable/unworthy fire. Because it was familiar. But, even more, it allowed me to stay stuck.
This fella that I met in Taos, I met for a reason. I met him so that I could finally get two relatively big lessons…. One, is to NEVER settle. I can’t be with someone who is not spiritual….Lord God, I’d go crazy. Even if he IS sexy.
But, the most important lesson I learned is that, buried down deep was this old programming of unworthiness that had been keeping me stuck. Not allowing me to move forward.
He wasn’t/isn’t my guy. But, he was a fun night, and a key to an essential lesson for me.
Sheet-Fahr and save some damn matches.
Time to face that freaking demon….
I have to tell you….when you face them….they aren’t nearly as scary, as when you are running from them….just sayin…
May We Walk Together As One,