Depression is a Fickle Lover

Throw into the mix spiritual path, empath, people pleaser, AND HSP, and that tends to be a recipe for disaster!!!

I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t occasionally have to deal with the demon Depression. Oh, I know, so many people say things like: “It’s all in your head.” (yup) or, “Just think positive!”

These people mean well, they just don’t know what it is like to be in THIS place of perpetual darkness. (And, BTW, it doesn’t help AT ALL, because, once again, it makes those of us who are in this situation feel even worse!)

I had a friend describe how depression feels to her. She said, it’s like clawing your way out constantly. You finally get to this place of serenity, and then…. BOOM…it’s BAAAAACCCCKKK! There are days when one wonders whether or not it’s worth it. (Ok, actually, that’s me…”I” wonder whether or not it is worth it.)

However, right now, at this very moment, (and could change on a dime!), I’m choosing (because otherwise, I’m not sure how I would deal with it) to believe that the lotus only blooms in yucky, mucky water.

I’ve been in this place, all truth be told, since mid to late August. My usual lifelines, because of a series of things that had to happen, had either been severed, or were on hiatus.

I’m an external processor,. But, AND, I knew that it was time for me to learn how to process internally. To really dance with this devil, and clean out some of the dark corners.

I had one dear friend show up for me in a big way, but she was also riding some pretty intense rapids. We reached out to one another frequently, but, never lost sight of the fact that we were both dealing with our own individual demons, albeit, very similar.

The only time I would feel connected to GUS (God, Universe, Spirit), was when I was painting, so you would assume that I would be doing that all of the time….but, when all I wanted to do was hide in my blankie fort, it’s difficult to pull out of that fog, and actually DO something.

I’m so grateful, believe it or not, for this time though. I’ve looked at some pretty serious ancestral wounds, some debilitating patterns, and some ALMOST insurmountable triggers.

I have a few good days, now and then, which help me through my darkness.

I think paintings these Gnomes and Angel Wings have been healing for me.

But, what has helped me most, lately, is a mantra that goes, when I can remember to say it, “Everything happens for a reason.”

I know that I’ll make it through this time. But, for now, I’ll be in my blankie fort, watching some nameless series on Netflix.

Sending hugs to all of you, from afar.

May We Walk Together As One



EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Maybe part of the reason this is happening to me right now, and writing about it, is so some of you don’t feel so alone!



4 Responses to Depression is a Fickle Lover

  1. Paula, thank you for sharing. I know this 1st hand myself. The last 5 years i have been climbing out of a hole of many losses
    Friends, places,and things. The only thing i never questioned was our Source our God/Goddess.
    I havent picked up my brushes in 10 months.
    You have been inspiring me to get closer each day to start painting. Much more to say but that would take a book.
    Thank you, Paula.
    On and a great new Netflix is, The Repair Shop!
    Love you

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