Tag Archives: lessons

The #toomuchwoman

The #toomuchwoman Angel
The #toomuchwoman Angel

I think that many of us can agree….it’s been a year….a year of ups and downs…a year of change…a year of rebirth….especially for those of us that have chosen a spiritual path.  I think to say that it has been a year filled with lessons, aha’s, and growth would probably minimize what most of us have felt.

One of the things I have had to learn how to do is to be quiet.  Hard for this grand fire trine woman, but, one of the things that I have figured out is that the answers lie in the quiet.  I’ve been such a “doer” all my life, that being forced to be quiet (if you don’t do what GUS – God, Universe, Spirit – is asking – “he” will find a way to MAKE you do it!), has been one of the most challenging lessons of all for me.

I’ve been forced to take a lot of “down” time, but, it hasn’t been unproductive at all.  Even with the move, I’ve chosen to “do” things I wouldn’t normally do.  One of the most rewarding experiences for me has been taking time to read a plethora of journals and sketch books that I have kept since consciously committing to the life of a lightworker.

It’s been a year of muddling through the muck….feeling like a failure….and wondering why.

But, so many things came together for me while reading my Pollyanna musings the past few days.

Depression, apathy, and everything that goes with it, have been my closest friends the past 6 (or more) months.

Pollyanna had gone missing.

Reading my journals brought me right back to square one.  The reason why I am here.

Frequently in my writings, I stated that I am not everyone’s cup of tea…that I am different…sometimes feeling alone….sometimes lonely….but, I wouldn’t trade this path for anything.

I’ve always been a #toomuchwoman for most people.

A catalyst.

One that makes statements that people frequently look at me with the WTF stare!

I lost that this year.  I shrank.  I became less than.  I thought I needed to be the person that others expected me to be.

AND, I got sick because my mind, body and spirit were not in alignment.

However, in the spirit of total transparency, (which is one of the reasons I am here), it’s been a good thing for me to be aware of.

One of my HUGE issues is people pleasing.  Worrying about what they think of me.  Wondering if they think I’m crazy.

This is the year I am giving that up.

I’ve realized that who I am, is one who helps others not feel alone by writing my stories. Sharing my lessons.  My aha’s.  My growth, and my setbacks.  The number of people that write me and tell me their stories is mind-blowing sometimes, and I would not have it any other way.  I always try to hold sacred space for those who are hurting, and willing to move forward, but, I don’t hold space for those who insist on staying in their victim mentality.

My circle of friends is much smaller.  Quality over quantity.

I’ve had many mentors over the years and the ones I respect and honor the most, are the ones who aren’t afraid to also share their process.  The ones who will say, “Yeah, life sucks sometimes…..but that is where the growth occurs….”.  I know when someone is honest, and when someone is blowing smoke up my ass.  Most of the time, I honor my intuition, and when I don’t, I’m grateful for the lesson. (Most of the time!!!)

One of the biggest things I’ve become acutely aware of is how tightly we are interwoven.  Personally, I gain strength from those who have had their feet held to the fire, and walk through it.  For those of you, I am grateful.  And, conversely, I am also grateful to those who choose not to also, because, I know that there is no shame in playing it safe – it’s just not for me.

This post is to say THANK YOU for each and every one of you who have impacted my life in one way or another.  I would not be the person I am today, had it not been for you.

May We Walk Together As One.

Much Love,

Paula

 

 

I failed.

May We Walk Together As One

Yesterday morning was tough on me.  I went into a “Why can’t you seem to do anything right” spot.  I went to a party the night before, and got completely overwhelmed.  LOTS of people in a very small space.  Some I knew well.  Some I knew as an acquaintance.  But, most I didn’t know at all.

An Empath nightmare.

I stayed two hours.  (an hour longer than I really wanted to.)

And, then I bolted.

Didn’t say goodbye to a single soul.

So out of character for me and totally against how I was raised.

I just could not breathe and got a tad panicky.

Totally beat myself up the next morning.

In addition, I had to do some heavy duty boundary setting with three separate people….something that I am not yet completely comfortable with, but, gaining strength.  And, seeing how much lack of boundaries has led to my victim mentality.

Ten lashes, Paula.

The voice inside my head said – “You are such a loser.  Who are you to tell someone what is, and what isn’t acceptable to you?  Why should you expect someone to do as they promise?  Who are you to tell someone that you don’t want to listen to them go on ad nauseum about how great they are?  What makes you think that it’s ok to say no to someone when they tell you what to do?”

I went to a yoga class with a friend, in spite of my wanting to hermit inside of Agnes.

It was just what I needed.

And then this from a friend who does human design readings – “Open Heart Mantra: I do not have to prove anything to anyone, including myself.”

And then, the best part of all – an evening with a friend who lives in my old “hood” in Taos – a rambling walk on the Mesa, walking by my old home, followed by a great healthy meal, ceremonial songs, metaphysical discussions, and breathtaking sunset.

WTF, Paula Jean????

You did NOT fail at all.  In fact, you passed with flying colors.  You are just not used to this new way of thinking and being.   You weren’t taught to take care of yourself and to set boundaries.  You were taught to be the good girl and make everyone happy, even at your own expense. You have had this perverse way of thinking that everyone needs to like you.  It’s a new way of “being” for you, and so, just like when you exercise for the first time in a long time and your muscles are sore, so too when you try out new ways of being, you are going to have sore and tender “muscles”.

Ahhhhhhhh…..there is the lesson.

We are all shifting and changing at such a rapid rate right now, that sometimes we don’t know which way is up.  We question ourselves.  Some of us beat ourselves up – better than anyone else can.  It’s a new way of “being”.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s foreign.

But, it’s necessary.

Be gentle on yourself.  These are unchartered waters for most of us.

Be gentle on others.  Again, these are unchartered waters.

Lord God, if we can’t love, forgive and have compassion for ourselves, how can we have it for others? (Think about that!!!)

May We Walk Together As One.

Paula

 

 

I chose consciousness…

….before I even knew the meaning of the word.  Before I knew what it entailed…   I didn’t just CHOOSE it, I said, “Bring it on!”.  Lord god…. I was so unhappy.  Like, always sick, unhappy.  Like, knowing that there was more to life than what I was experiencing.  Like there was something else out there.… Continue Reading

Comforting the Disturbed….

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Receiving the Messages

It’s been an incredibly enlightening journey to Taos this time.  I’ve been super meditative – stipping 1200 Sq. feet of very stubborn tile can do that. The one clear message I have received is how important it is to be authentically me. In every aspect in my life.  To look at the lessons that are… Continue Reading

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