This year has been a bitch!  And incredible!  They seem to go hand in hand.  For all of the challenges that I, AND MANY OTHERS, are navigating, there is always a silver lining.  Powerful, POWERFUL lessons to help us shed, and accept our darkness.  To light our torches.  To help others, JUST BY ACCEPTING OURSELVES.

I was blessed this year, by being contacted by a woman, Debra Koertge, who owns my dream “gallery space”, Artemesia, in Geneva, IL.  She followed me for a while on FaceBook before she contacted me….I like to tease her that she stalked me, but, what she was really doing was seeing if I was authentic.

She wanted to present my art, along with my messages, (which are as important as my art) at an opening on July 20th.

My life, my world, was getting ready to be rocked!!!   I knew it, I just didn’t know how it would happen.

Enter in her amazing photographer husband, Detlef, and I KNEW something big was going to happen!!!

We all decided after the opening and the art fair to just chill (AND watch Game of Thrones) on Sunday.  Debra and Detlef decided that it was time for me to have a photography session.

I had no idea what to expect.

Debra did my make-up and chose my “costume”.  She KNEW.

Detlef set up his studio….

Let the FUN begin!!!

I have to be honest – when Detlef printed out a photo, my first thought was – Who is this old woman?  Followed by, this is a woman that cannot be fucked with.  And then even deeper.  OMG – this is me!!!!

ME….the me I’ve been so afraid to let anyone see.  The me that I’ve always knew I was, just afraid of becoming.  The me that is fierce, honest (to a fault sometimes), confident, gifted, an empath, and compassionate.

They SAW me.  Even when I couldn’t.

I’ve always, ALWAYS, been a people pleaser.  It comes from my childhood.  I was taught that to take care of myself, was selfish.  My opinions were always what others thought.  Because, I never wanted to rock the boat.  When I did state MY opinion, if someone disagreed – I would shut down.

My shell (I’m a Cancer) got tougher, and thicker.  So much so, that even I wasn’t aware how much I had locked inside.  I’ve struggled, a lot, with claiming my power, and feeling like I need to hide.  I was taught that pride goeth before the fall.

I’ve been afraid to tell most people that my paintings along with my messages come from visions.  I’ve been afraid to be this weird, woo-woo, witchy artist whom others look at and think – she needs a straight jacket.  I’ve been afraid to have an opinion, and so, most of the time when I do, it comes out sideways.

I’m learning to love myself…slowly…accepting that I am who I am, not who others think I am….AND THAT’S ok.

This is the painting that came out after getting my photo done…..Along with her message.

Making Her Appearance

She’s never felt comfortable with who she is.

She always knew she was different.

That her thought processes were different.

That she didn’t fit in, even though a part of her wanted to…still occasionally wants to.

She knows, however, that that is not who she is.

So it’s baby steps.

Slowly, she is beginning to truly accept who she is and why she is here.

As afraid as she is….she is

Making her appearance.

May we walk together as one.

Blessings to all.



3 Responses to Transformation

  1. Paula, I so appreciate your thoughts here because they mirror my own journey. Claiming our true,, higher self can be difficult given our previous programming growing up. You give me hope and strength to keep peeling back the layers and discovering the core of my soul. You are an earth angel.

  2. Oh my! We have been placed in each other’s path regardless of where we each are in the journey…..this post speaks to what I shared with you this morning……of the frequent feeling within that I did not belong here. The message that came with this painting ‘Making Her Appearance’……………I have no words…except thank you for your sharing.

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